Stretching Forward

Questioning Tuesday #3

2012-01-24T08:05:00.002-05:00

Last week, I struggled. I have to be honest and transparent in that. It was a rough week, and a long one at that. In hindsight, it was an opportunity for me to stretch and really rely upon God to work through me. It would have been great to open myself up to Him to restore me. Instead I grew lax and stepped back rather than forward. While I now must seek to restore my relationship with Christ, I also see where I can learn and understand from last week. Possibly, just maybe, I needed to learn from it rather than stretch forward. That I really do not know. Ultimately a question arose from all the happenings last week, which was something I wanted to pose to you today.

In times of stress, weariness, and frustrations, how do you cope? Do you cope within yourself or do you seek God?

In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.-Psalm 94:19

Questioning Tuesday #2

2012-01-17T19:15:00.001-05:00

I think we all know my rampant respect for Jon Acuff. The man cracks me up on how he nails Christian satire on the head. And how he can, without a doubt, make me cry at my desk on Wednesday mornings with his Serious Wednesday posts. God has most definitely given him the gift of writing. Today I was listening to Dave Ramsey Live as Jon spoke about the Quitter Conference he is holding here in Nashville next month. He said "Dreamers dream and doers do." It's quite true when you think about it. We all dream of something big, the next thing in our lives, whether that's a job, a house, kids, or for those of us who are single, that perfect mate. So very rarely do we pursue that beyond dreaming. Dreamers are everywhere, doers are few and far between.

So today, right now, are you a dreamer or are you a doer? What has been holding you back from the dream you've had?

Keep the Light On.

2012-01-16T18:59:00.000-05:00

Until I was so unwittingly thrust into a college dorm room, I was afraid of the dark. There, I feel better now. There had to be some sort of light creeping in the room for me to feel safe. Now, I have to have a pitch black room to sleep, for the most part.

It has always fascinated me, light and dark. The contrast in photography captures. The way artists are able to paint it so fluidly. How a light can illuminate in the darkest places. It can spark, and shine, flooding a room with the ability to perceive all that surrounds you. Last week I heard a great quote in regards to light and dark: "We never say, 'oh the darkness claimed another light bulb!'" How true that is. A light bulb burns out. While a bulb functions, it's voltage remains at constant across the entire filament. Thus it has a consistent source to provide light. The light emitted from a filament will change intensity and location over time.

I hope the corollary between a light and Christians is not lost in translation. Darkness does not snuff out the light, the light chooses not to burn. However, when in a constant relationship with God the light emits bright. It may fluctuate with intensity given time and location, but when plugged into the Source, it will burn.

"And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness."-Genesis 1:4
You cannot get too far into His Word without seeing the fact He separated the light from the dark. Thus, He has separated His children (the lights) from the world (the darkness). He divided us for a purpose. Not to be snuffed out, not to hide our light, but rather to burn hot, to burn long, and to burn with intensity wherever we are.

"For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ."-2 Corinthians 4:6

Questioning Tuesday

2012-01-10T09:21:00.000-05:00

In order to get a flow, and truly live into my word for the year, I have planned to blog regularly as a way of stretching myself. To be intentional I wanted to have a format to my posts, and be rather consistent in posting. So for now the plan is to post questions that I am asking myself on Tuesdays, in the hopes it will spark a dialogue with those who read my blog, or just cause you to have pause and reflect on it for yourself.

This quote came from Pastor Mike Glenn of Brentwood Baptist Church in Brentwood, TN: "What you think is what you do, what you do is who you are." The context of this quote comes from a sermon on reading Scripture with intentionality and focus. It's been rolling around in my head and the question that came from it for myself was,"What am I thinking on at any given moment in my day, and does that reflect who I desire to be as a child of God?" It's then spawned many further questions as I examine a snapshot throughout my day of what I am dwelling on, and the image that reflects in my actions and ultimately who I am. Perception and reality are two vastly different things when it comes to our own image. I pray this impacts you, causing you to pause and dwell upon your own thoughts, as it has me.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.-Philippians 4:8

One Word 2012

2012-01-08T18:25:00.003-05:00

Last year I chose a word to define my year, and was I ever called upon many times to live that out. This year in the weeks leading up to the new year, I thought over what I would use as my defining word for this year. I played around with "perspective" for a while thinking that would be the word. However as I began to pray through the word, another one was constantly being brought to my attention. Wednesday I was all but set on perspective again when I was working out. I was thinking on how I could intentionally live out perspective daily. When I glanced over at what another woman was reading on her elliptical, the word "STRETCH" was across the entire thing in big, bold letters. A burning bush it is not, however I felt that was God's way of saying, "Nope, this is what I am calling you to this year. One way or another you will accept that."

So I have. Stretch is the word I pray to use daily in my life. Stretching myself, my views, my beliefs, all of who I am beyond what I have expected in the past. Every single day I pray God stretches me in a new way. I am finding that He's already doing it, I just had to be obedient in it. I had to boldly go into each day saying "What would You have me stretch for today?"

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we may walk in them.-Ephesians 2:10

Haiti Supplies Needed

2012-01-06T09:21:00.001-05:00

I am putting out an all call for supplies. One Vision International is collecting supplies to send to Haiti soon. Check out the list and take a moment to send them some things. You can be helping great kids out like Mr. Paul right there.The deadline to receive the supplies to One Vision is January 18th. You can drop them by their office located in Knoxville or if you're in the Nashville area, give me a shout and I will be packing up to ship some things to them at the beginning of next week.

Did you know that was in the Bible?!

2012-01-05T21:39:00.001-05:00

Once before I have read through the Bible. Exactly once. So of course that makes me an expert on knowing exactly everything that is in it, all that it contains, each and every verse.

It was with great surprise this morning to read Genesis 8. You see, I stumbled across a passage that lit up and pointed to a deeper image of God's relationship with me. As Noah is sending out the dove to see if the waters from the flood have receded, "but the dove found no resting place for the sole of her foot, and she returned into the ark to him." (NIV) That is directly speaking to me, and how I return to God finding no rest in any other thing this world offers. It's a picture of salvation to me. A glimpse at how I turn from Him to seek out my own way, my own path that the world offers, yet I return to Him. He welcomes me into His covenant with Him.

I love that thought. The picture of God drawing me into His embrace, His shelter from a world that I leave Him for too often. He welcomes me with the sight of pure joy and embrace. My prayer is never to seek out the world to replace God, trusting Him to protect and provide when the waters are raging, knowing He builds the safest shelter, the sturdiest home, and in that I can rest the sole of my foot.

How my Father saved my father

2012-01-02T21:17:00.000-05:00

My dad's birthday was yesterday. I kind of feel bad for him, having a birthday after the holidays. It doesn't lend itself to being all cheery when you're back at work or taking down the decorations. In fact, it's worse when you're sick. Inevitably, for several years that I can recall, my dad and probably the rest of our household were sick on his birthday. One year it was food poisoning related to the never-again strawberry ice cream cake. One year it the stomach virus. This year it's a cold.

However one year in particular I remember vividly. I was home from my first year of college and dad wasn't himself at all. He stayed sick the entire holiday. I distinctly remember walking into the living room and seeing him asleep in the recliner and thinking "Something is just not right." Later that year, as dad became progressively worse, doctors informed us that he had sclerosis of the liver. The deterioration of the liver was caused by years of alcohol consumption in excess. Bottom line, my dad was an alcoholic. As much as families swept the issue under the rug, or shared tired glances at holidays, I felt the need to share this.

You see, my dad's story doesn't end there.

In May of that year I returned home, full of hot air from my first year successes at college. I had two summer jobs lined up and big plans for myself. I came home one day and was changing clothes when my dad yelled for me to help. That image, after 12 years, is still as fresh as the day it happened. I remember him asking me to call an ambulance, and seeing my Marine Corps father being strapped to a gurney by an EMT. I vaguely remember them telling me I couldn't ride in the ambulance with him. Most of all, I remember seeing my dad helpless, and fearing that would be the last time he'd speak to me again...asking for me to please get him help. Within days my family was informed that my dad was on transplant list, but if he did not receive a liver soon, there wasn't much hope. As thankful as I am for doctors, my hope does not rest in them. It rests in a healing God.

I think I have honestly blocked so much of what transpired over those following hours and days for some reason. I remember a deacon from church coming to visit us at the hospital, and being asked to wait in the hall with my sister while he spoke to my parents. I remember him coming out and saying "Your dad has something he wants to tell you." And I distinctly remember the moment my dad told us he could go in peace because he'd accepted Christ as His Savior then. The next thing I recall about all of this is my dad being sent to Vanderbilt because he'd been given days to live and they believed it could be prolonged there. I remember sitting in the hallway in the ICU wing as my dad told the doctor he didn't want the liver that was awaiting him because he'd lived life wrong for far too long and someone else (the teenager next door on the same list) deserved to live a better life. I remember going with my mom to the extended stay facility they had for families of transplant patients with groceries. I don't remember much else, but I know that my God performed a miracle in my dad. You see, He saved him in a hospital room so many years ago so that dad would live to share that glorious truth with others. Although my dad is rather quiet about that, and how God worked mightily to restore him and provide him a second chance to live life the way He purposed, I refuse to be quiet about it.

After all that, I am proud of my father. I have to say it's been hard to talk about for a good part of my life as there was a sense of shame in having grown up having an alcoholic father.But the faithful and fervent prayers of my mother are evidence God hears and brings about good works in His time. I am reminded of that every time I see my dad. I am not ashamed to pray daily for those I love who do not know the God I serve. I am not ashamed to share my dad's story, because God worked a miracle in him.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh will also rest in hope.-Psalm 16:9

What We Want, Not What We Need

2012-01-01T22:16:00.001-05:00

Several Christmases ago, I asked for a Peyton Manning jersey. I had my eye on one for over that last year, and finally decided to ask for it for Christmas. Christmas came, and went, with no Peyton jersey. As much as I would like to admit I wasn't let down, and possibly thought Christmas was ruined, I did pout just like a petulant child. I had received much more than many people would get at Christmas, not to mention a loving home and family to share it with. That was the furthest thing from my mind. It was the thing I wanted, but did not receive.

Why is it that we so often want what we cannot have? Or, what we are told specifically to steer clear of? As a child I remember being told to stay away from the stove, to not play in the street, and not to touch my dad's tools. All things I inevitably got into trouble for going after and doing.

It all comes back, for me, to the moment in Genesis 2 where God shows Adam the Garden, saying all of this is his but he is not to partake of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. One thing, among all the Garden held. I often like to condemn Adam with my own judgement. Asking him, "Why? How could you?" and then I inevitably turn on Eve as well, saying, "I'll have a good talking to with her when I get to heaven." Here's the rub. I do it. I do the exact same thing daily. Due to the Fall, yes. But do to my selfish will too. I choose desiring over things I should not, while turning aside from all that God has given. I choose sinfulness and distraction because of my flesh.

Instead, as the new year begins, stop wanting after those things in which you should not have. Let's move forward in this new year...thanking God for all His blessings. Look around, you are engulfed in a sea of blessings wherever and whoever you are. Praise Him from which all blessings flow.

The Year That Changed Me...

2011-12-31T18:39:00.000-05:00

365 days...I was sitting in a very different place both physically and spiritually. I was preparing to usher in a new year seeing a favorite Knoxville band perform with my then-boss and friend. Today, I am preparing to usher in 2012 with people I did not know prior to August. While I wax nostalgic, this year has been a difficult one for me on so many levels. Difficult always takes on a harsh tone, however, I do not believe the outcome is a bad one. At least not where I sit on New Year's Eve of 2011.

I have learned that when you feel for someone, you should voice it. You should not dance around the issue or attempt to be the friend when you desire more than that in return. Speak up for yourself if you truly feel conviction about it. This year taught me that no matter how much one strives to be the someone else for another, unless it's God ordained, it will not come to fruition. I have learned to leave things where they should be left, not reaching back, but stretching forward. To stop grasping at things which God has removed in order to bring about selfish wants, to satisfy the self over God's desires. I have learned that some friendships are not meant to last past a few months. That when you begin expecting more from a friend than they exhibit, that is the moment to walk away from the friendship as it never was a friendship to begin with. I have learned to walk courageously into the unknown with the One who lives in me daily. He will guide me to places that make me uncomfortable, that are hard...seeking for me to be fully reliant upon Him for all things and in all situations.

I have learned I am far weaker than I had led myself to believe, and for that I am immensely grateful. Though I am weak, HE is strong. I have learned God will answer the prayers of the vigilant, of the fervent in His timing, in ways far beyond imagination of the human mind. Most of all, I have learned what it is to love. To fully love with abandon. To feel so full of the love only God can give and to desire wholeheartedly to pour that out to another of His image-bearers. I have learned that when He calls me to do that, I must obey...despite all the world tells me, despite my greatest fears, and despite my inadequacies. This year, that love came in the form of 75 beautiful orphans in Haiti. It came in the form of my family. It came in the form of friends who cared, called, and prayed with me through some rough patches. It came in the form of a verse on the wall in my now-boss's office during my interview. It came in the words of a missionary in Uganda. Tonight it comes in the form of an ache of seeing would-be friendships fail recently, and the hope of another year to begin loving others...others I have not met yet, others I have known for years...

I pray above all each of you experiences love this year. Real love, the love eternal of the One in whose image you were created. The love of sacrifice in which Christ gave so that you might live at this moment. The love in which He defeated death, claiming victory over the devil so that you might be reading this at this very moment. The love that seeks you out now...the LOVE of God who calls to you now. I pray you receive that openly and freely today, as a new day dawns, a new year...the year of God in you.

The Fast...

2011-12-08T10:01:00.001-05:00

So in my noble and clear vision at 5am this morning I decided to do a fast. (I know, I know...you're not supposed to talk about your fast according to Jon Acuff) But alas, I am...I am just not revealing what it is I am fasting from. That is information that is between God and I....and whoever inevitably asks me about it. heh.

The reason for my sharing here in regards to it, is so that you, my dear readers (whoever you are) would be in prayer for me and hold me accountable. Trust me, accountability is something I truly struggle with in my walk and overall in my life. Anyone else? Nope, just me? Greeeeeeat.

I apologize for the very talky nature of this post, and it's seemingly rambliness but that's how my mind is flowing at present.

Thankfulness-November 30

2011-12-01T08:10:00.001-05:00

November 29: Thankful for a time of rest. I was able to really rest fully for the first time in months with almost 13 hours of sleep. My body and my mind needed it so very much.

November 30: Thankful for a month of reflection.

Thankfulness-November 28

2011-11-28T22:25:00.001-05:00

November 24: Thankful to have gotten the opportunity to serve at KARM once again on Thanksgiving. Check out the full gallery here.

November 25: Thankful for great chat time over coffee with a good friend, even if she does push me out of my comfort zone more often than not.

November 26: Thankful for perspective on life due to football. I saw so many posts over the UT loss to Kentucky that it made me realize how my values and concerns have changed over the years. Life is about loving those around you, just as Christ loved you.

November 27: Thankful to know the feeling to come home. There are times when nothing is better than curling up on the couch with a movie and your pjs.

Thankfulness-November 23

2011-11-23T09:10:00.001-05:00

I am thankful to be spending my Thanksgiving holiday with some of my family and many friends over the next four days. I will be unplugging entirely for the next four days. I will be doing alot of photography since we never really document this holiday in our family. Other than that, and phone calls, it will be a holiday of quality time.

What Hurts the Most...

2011-11-22T22:43:00.001-05:00

Last week many of the individuals that I traveled to Haiti with this summer had the great privilege to go back. I was excited for them to get to go...what an opportunity to go back and see those kids so soon. I prayed for them as they prepared and while they were gone. I know what it was like, to experience all that we did, and be hit with culture shock coming back.

Tonight however it hit me, hard. One of the girls posted photos of the trip and my heart broke. I know I should not feel this way and I should still be so excited for them. But to quote a favorite movie of mine, "it's just plain ol' jealousy is all." I know that. But seeing those kids made me miss them all over again and yearn to be there with them, working with them, and loving on them.

Couple all the emotion of that with a note from Adam while they were there about my sponsor kid (whom I co-sponsor with my friend Tonya) and a tweet from Meg that she had my photo and was asking for me. It was all too much for me tonight. This flood of emotion just came pouring out...Haiti changed me more than I thought, more than I had planned. I pray I am able to go back there in 2012. My plan is to go in May with a team. Please pray for the kids at the orphanage, as well as those around the property. The pictures from this trip were heartbreaking to say the least, but made me thankful for One Vision and how they support those kids.

So my thankfulness for yesterday: God's plans are greater and grander than our own.
I am thankful today for One Vision and their provision from God in the care of the kids.

Thankfulness-November 20

2011-11-21T08:20:00.001-05:00

November 18: Thankful for Starbucks coffee...especially on a very cold morning touring Butler University.

November 19: Thankful for perspective...when my problems or circumstances are brought small and greater perspective is brought by God.

November 20: Thankful for fellowship and community built within the Singles class at Brentwood.

Thankfulness-November 16

2011-11-15T08:20:00.001-05:00

November 13: Thankful for time spent with my sister over the weekend. It was a great time to spend with someone I consider a best friend.

November 14: Thankful for food, and the fellowship that accompanies it so many times.

November 15: Thankful for new mercies as they are renewed each day.

November 16: Thankful for students who are strong in their faith, that don't jump to explanations or excuses, but who ask to pray with you before you end a meeting.

Thankfulness-November 12

2011-11-13T09:24:00.001-05:00

November 10: Thankful for the ability to work out. Many do not have the capacity or function of their bodies to walk, let alone run. I take that for granted most days.

November 11: Thankful for my health. I have been relatively healthy most of my life and am thankful I do not worry over illnesses or life-long battles with a disease.

November 12: Thankful for quality time spent with my family. My sister and I can laugh our heads off with just a look or gesture. I am thankful my parents can visit me and we go eat ridiculously unhealthy food together. We watch football, read the USA Today, and make fun of each other. I love every minute of it.

Thankfulness-November 9

2011-11-10T07:35:00.000-05:00

November 8th: I am thankful for an amazing time of worship at Kairos. It was my first time attending and it was exactly where God needed me to be. Pastor Mike opened the time of teaching with praying through Psalm 23. Have you done that? If not, take time and do that this week.

November 9th: Perspective is a good thing. Taking time to step back and seek how one might react, or even if one should react, as well as seeing a situation in the greater view of life. For that I am thankful. My devotional time has been spent in James this week, and God knew I needed perspective in many things and He was leading me to read that as I went through it.

Thankfulness-November 7

2011-11-08T08:15:00.002-05:00

November 6: I am thankful for the quiet time of reflection and peace when I hike. I had about an hour to pop over to Percy Werner Park on Sunday afternoon. The weather was amazing, and the colors that God supplied were truly remarkable.

November 7: I am thankful for God's provision. He brought me to Nashville, and specifically to Belmont. I am daily amazed by how He worked to bring this about, as I am confident it is where He wanted me, and I needed to be.

Thankfulness-November 5

2011-11-05T09:00:00.001-04:00

November 4-Thankful for God's guidance and timing. He brought me to Belmont through ways and means that I cannot describe. His guidance in leading me to a church family is unfathomable. His timing is uncanny in leading me to step out and be a part of a spiritual mentoring class that is beyond anything I could have hoped for.

November 5-Thankful for writers, who listen to God's prompting and words of wisdom. I began a new journey though a study last evening and it's timely and needed in my life. I am amazed at how God uses writers, speaks through them that are meant specifically for my heart at this particular moment.

Thankfulness-November 3

2011-11-03T08:16:00.002-04:00

November 1: Thankful for an immediate family that loves unconditionally. Cares always. Many do not know that kind of familial love and support, nor have it.

November 2: Thankful for cold medicine. It may be trivial, but without it, I would not have been functioning today.

November 3: Thankful for the struggles of this life. That God is stronger than me and that I can trust in that today.

Month of Thankfulness

2011-11-01T08:21:00.001-04:00

Today begins the month of being thankful on the blog. I started this last year and want to continue the tradition. I encourage you all to take time as well each day and ruminate on one thing you are thankful for that day. All month on Yielding and Trusting you will find a thankful journal of my month.

"Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name."-Psalm 100:4

We are the 2%

2011-10-31T23:14:00.002-04:00

If you are reading this post, you are the 2%. If you had three meals today, you are the 2%. If you drove to work, you are the 2%. If you have clothes on your back, you are the 2%.

I do not normally get on a political soapbox very often, unless I am very passionate about a particular cause. However, the Occupy Wall Street and Occupy Nashville stories have struck a nerve. You are protesting outside...getting ticked when you are escorted off property that is not yours. Filing lawsuits against the governor. Here's my rub on this...you have a home to go to each night! You have a warm home and a job to be at, and yet you choose to sit out and be a spur in the side of the "system" as you call it. So here's what I propose, while you continue to protest, your homes and jobs will be occupied by those out of work, those laid off, those homeless who have lived on those sidewalks for YEARS.

Being residents of the United States, we are blessed to be in the 2% of the world's wealthiest. Do you realize that? We sit atop the heap and yet complain that it's not just how we want it. It's not crafted to fit our comfortable lifestyles and make it happen now attitudes. How about instead, we be thankful for what we do have, freedom to vote, food in our stomachs, and roofs over our heads?

I am the 2%.

My Simple Prayer Tonight...

2011-10-26T22:11:00.002-04:00

As I was driving home tonight, something occurred to me. A small prayer flashed before me, and one I wanted to share. Lord, let not the devil's temptations blind me from Your glorious will.

Simple I know, but for me, I think I might have been pursuing what I thought was God's will, when in fact I have been blind to the devil's temptation. I know we are often distracted and masked by the devil's deception but I was thoroughly blinded by something I felt was so good and from God. Unfortunately God showed up and showed me that was not from Him. That's how I viewed it...as an unfortunate circumstance from God. That's when He changed my perspective.

It was a lesson I needed to learn. I wasn't being faithful in bringing everything to Him. I was trusting that any good thing was from Him, anything that was deceptively good. That's where the trouble lies with all of us...it's not the inherently bad things that trip us up in the faith. It's the deceptively good things. That's where the devil got me too. When I feel like I am above and beyond the need for God is when He reminds me He is the Sovereign Lord and I am Sara.

My prayer is that I am ever watchful for the snares and temptations the devil places in my path that may seem good, that may seem right, but in the end only bring about destruction and pain.

Weaknesses Abound...

2011-10-24T21:45:00.003-04:00

I will be the first to admit one of my weaknesses. It terrifies me to pray in public, especially out loud. Absolutely terrifying to me. However I have felt the nudging on more than one occasion by the Spirit to step up, step out, and pray aloud. Recently I have pushed it aside, pushed it down deep, attempting to ignore the Spirit more and more. Ah, funny thing about that...it's sin. When you ignore the Spirit, being disobedient to the will and purpose, you are purposefully choosing to sin. Oh, how I was choosing it, in the hopes it would grow quiet.

Funny thing about the Holy Spirit, He works in right relationship with Christ and God. They are a mighty Trinity indeed, and One that I cannot attempt to forge a gag order on by any stretch. So I assumed I had quieted the Spirit, and God revealed His Word to me, words Christ had spoken. Oh, awesome. So on top of the battle against the Spirit, I was now fighting to ignore God's Holy Word. Again, battle I should not have been attempting to wage but nonetheless tried in vain.

I found myself truly convicted during the service yesterday morning on this, as we took the Lord's Supper. I don't pray over my meals, giving thanks to God for His provision, remembering Him in those times as I break bread or drink from a cup. Those daily, momentary reminders that He sent His Son for me, for you, for us all. Who am I that I cannot take the time to remember Him, giving Him glory, honor and praise?

Today happened. This morning during my time of Bible study and prayer, God laid a simple request on my heart as I was praying over my students. His request? "Pray over them today." And I knew. I knew exactly what that meant. They were presenting a huge proposal to senior leadership today. They had poured all of themselves into this over the last few weeks and had reached this pivotal moment. As we convened in the office before going to the meeting, the President asked if anyone else wanted to pray for them before they left. I greeted that open door, thankful for the time and the pause of praying over the six students I work closest with. They may never know just how special and raw that moment was for me, and I am okay with that. That was my teachable moment and God knew I needed it more than they did.

This theme of weakness played out alot over the last three days as I truly see that in accepting and realizing my weakness, it does not make me less of a person. It makes me a fallen woman, made in the image of God, seeking redemption and righteousness through Christ, and knowing fully I will not be made whole and perfect on this side of eternity. This knowledge does not give me cause to abuse the grace which is given me daily, along with new mercies. This knowledge seeks to embolden me to live rightly, love wholly, and be a banner for God's kingdom. My weakness is made whole in Christ. Its the acceptance of weakness that allows me to know I must live in Him, through Him, and with Him every moment of every day.

And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.-2 Corinthians 12:9

"Every vain ambition and fullness of my pride..."

2011-10-18T08:05:00.001-04:00

It's not hard for me to admit stupidity and errors in judgement. That I find easy, and often very humbling. What is difficult is admitting when I have been selfish, when I have let pride and self-seeking take control and run rampant. That sin is difficult, it's ugly, and lately, it has enveloped me.

I have sought what I could get over the last weeks. I took on a study in Proverbs 31 that I had not committed nor consulted with the Lord on, and as you can see, that was dropped. Every time I tried to write, I would find a distraction to play with or allow to pull my attention away. For those of you who read this, I am sorry. I should have prayed through the study more and prepared. I am praying now for God to direct that study, as I know the directive came from Him as to what I should pursue in my study and writing here on the blog.

This morning I was fully engulfed with the thoughts of how selfish I have been in many areas of late. God truly convicted me on it and I prayed through that seeking forgiveness, confessing how vile I was in His sight, and that a true reflection of Him was not what I had been. I desire, I crave to be gutted by God, and filled with Him. I kept imagining Him at work within my heart, scraping the crevices of the dark areas I did not realize I had, digging deep and cleaning off chunks of old sinful ways and deep rooted beliefs that were wrong. I love that image and seek to have Him truly clean me out and fill me only with Him. Much like an excavation, some big machinery was hauled in, but there's also some smaller deep-rooted work going on that He is doing within. I know it, and it's not pleasant. But I do not want a comfortable life. I want a life lived out for God's glory, the way He wants me to live for Him.

The more I drew on this image of Him cleaning me out, I realized it wasn't just a cleaning out, but a forming as well. That's when it hit me...I am merely God's pumpkin that He has chosen to clean out and carve in His image. To set a light within me, to shine for Him. That fills my heart with hope.

The Proverbs 31 Woman

2011-10-01T22:11:00.001-04:00

As a single woman, who identifies as a Christian, I have heard of the Proverbs 31 woman many times. However, I must admit she intimidates me, challenges me, and angers me all in the same breath. I will admit that I do not know much about her, having not given myself over to her study, as she is not one many pastors or teachers prefer to focus on. No, mostly they reference her, typically on Mother's Day or when they want to uphold the Biblical standards of what a woman should be, but often is not, based upon their judgements.

This month, I plan to journey through what it means to be a Proverbs 31 woman...that is single. I plan to search within and understand what God seeks to develop and grow in me as laid out in His word. My goal is to share this journey with those of you who read this blog.

If you have studied or delved into Proverbs 31 for any length of time, what struck you the hardest as a woman?

"With Everything, With Everything, We Will Shout for Your Glory...."

2011-09-28T06:13:00.000-04:00

"But to You I have cried out, O LORD, And in the morning my prayer comes before You."-Psalm 88:13

I have found myself, most recently, living into this verse. The revelation of it had not fully become clear that I was until this morning.

Back story: For those of you who are not aware, I have bouts of insomnia regularly. It began a couple of years ago and got worse within the last year. Since my move, however, I have thankfully not really dealt with any serious issues. (I attribute that to my constant state of being worn out from life at a faster pace). This morning though, I was awoken at midnight and 4 am. I assumed I would fall back into a good slumber at 4am as that has happened on occasion as well. This time, God had other plans. I have to admit, I feel rested and awake-not zombie like as typically the case when I am awake at this hour.

As I was lying there, I kept thinking that as of late, my prayer time has been such a treasure and blessing. The time I have in the presence of God to give praise and honor is so joyous. I look forward to it. I cannot wait to thank Him for all He has done. I yearn to go before my Great Intercessor, Christ, to pray for others. It energizes me, excites me, and I have found I am digging deeper in prayer time than previously. I have found also that I am not just reserving the mornings for prayer now, I am lifting up His Name throughout the day, something I had not really done much of if I am being honest.

Prayer time is a very intimate part of the relationship I have with God and in Christ. It's such an honor to come into the very presence of God to lay down all that I am and give Him all He is due, although words do not fully express my heart's cry to Him on some days. There are times I sit in awe, knowing I am unworthy to be able to have the privilege of prayer. There are times when I cry out in anger, knowing it's sinful derivation, seeking repentance for my choices and actions when I was not in fellowship and righteousness with Him.

The joy and peace that prayer has delivered into my life as of late is gut-wrenchingly obvious to probably only me. That's okay, as I live out my relationship with Christ, and I desire and seek more of Him, He manifests Himself in me in some truly amazing ways. Inwardly He is pushing outward, to be known through me, and I firmly believe the power of prayer is another way in which He seeks to accomplish this. When you scale it all away, how amazing is it to know you are being prayed for by someone else? They are taking you before the King, your needs and heart's desires, your hurt and pain, your illness and suffering, your praises of thanksgiving and blessing.

"If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I would not fear a million of enemies. Yet the distance makes no difference; He is praying for me."-Robert Murray McCheyne

Up on the Soapbox, click click click...

2011-09-11T15:27:00.002-04:00

On a morning where we solemnly gathered in church to worship the Lord, and remember those who lost their lives ten years ago, I found myself reliving a moment from a few weeks ago.

This morning, as we were into the first song of worship, a younger couple came into the sanctuary and were seated a couple of rows in front of me. They both had the trendy look of a young couple in Nashville. He was sportin' a stylish fedora with his sharp looking (and matching her dress) outfit. I thought of a Jon Acuff post from last month. I had a little snicker, then went back to focusing on worship. At the end of the service, I was walking out in front of the couple and overheard them talking. Someone, and I do not know who, made a comment to him in regards to having his hat on during the service. He was upset over it, and explaining to another guy who came up to him that he took it off during prayer, and that right now he's having some hair issues. It caused me to turn around and apologize for the actions of someone else and tell him what happened to me in July at my home church. (I had taken a coffee that had a lid on it, into the sanctuary, and was then harassed by this elderly woman until I finally had to move seats in the sanctuary.)

So here I am, on my soapbox for a moment. You can stop reading now if you are going to just spat comments back without fully reading this. As a Christian, I do not find myself being embarrassed to call myself that. EXCEPT when individuals decide, based on their preference and not Biblical standards, to alienate people from the gospel. I understand the respect aspect of removing a hat in worship, trust me I do. However, when you as a Christian, decide to attack an individual based on their appearance or what they are holding, you take off all that Christ lived and died for, and put on your holier-than-thou robe. Christ died for the ugly person you were...and He died for the person you just alienated from the gospel. How badly do you want to keep the gospel to yourself? How badly do you want to see others just like you in the pew next to you that you place your preference of coffee, or a hat, or jeans, ahead of someone's eternity? What if Christ had thought He was too good to die for you (and He had EVERY right to think so)?

The next time you think, or feel the urge to say something, in regards to someone's appearance, take a moment and thank God that He did not think that way in regards to you. In that moment, pull in and do not push away. It could cost an eternity.

It Could Have All Turned Out Differently...But It Didn't.

2011-08-21T19:10:00.000-04:00

Have you ever forgiven someone just because you could? Have you ever willingly said "I know I am in the right here and I did nothing wrong in this situation. However I am going to humble myself and apologize."?

During Life Groups this morning, we covered the life of David. Yes, in under forty minutes Travis covered the entire life of the man after God's own heart. One particular piece of David's story had me desiring to dig deeper, to truly be in that moment with God, David, and Saul.

The scene is when Saul is pursuing David through the strongholds of En Gedi. King Saul goes into the cave to "relieve himself." David's men remind him of the Lord's promise of "Behold, I will deliver your enemy into your hand, that you may do to him as it seems good to you." (1 Samuel 24:4) In that moment, David reaches out and cuts the garment of King Saul. At first read, I responded with a "huh?" I questioned why David did not take King Saul's life in the moment. His men thought that, encouraging him from what God had promised him, reminding him of what they believed to be a free pass from God.

I honed in on this part...David's men thought God was bringing the moment they had all desired. For David, the leader God had anointed, to take the throne from King Saul. After all, the Lord had even told David He would deliver him into his hand for David to do as he wished. How many times have you prayed for a similar instance? Someone who has attacked you, pursued you for the wrong reasons, and you have been running...only to have them rightfully delivered into your hand. I know I have. Praying for God to bring about justice, my sort of justice...where they do not get off without repercussions, where they are judged and sentenced rightfully.

That's not God's justice. If it was, we would all be sentenced to hell. God told David He would deliver his enemy into his hand to do what he felt was good. A man of God had faith in a Just God who had led him this far, keeping him safe, providing a way of escape. In that moment David tore King Saul's robe, an act of disrespect on the part of any servant. He immediately regretted even that action and cried out. He prostrated himself before King Saul seeking amends. To have a relationship, a right relationship with Saul. I love verse 12: "Let the Lord judge between you and me, and let the Lord avenge me on you. But my hand shall not be against you." David, in that moment of complete honesty before Saul, dedicated their relationship, whatever it may be, to the Lord. Only God would settle the matter and bring about His perfect justice, not a man-driven one. How often have you dedicated a relationship to God in the midst of it's struggles and tension? I know I haven't. I have prayed for a vengeful God to step in and smite them. I have prayed for a breaking of the bonds of caring. I have prayed for everything but dedicating the relationship to the Lord.

The thought of dedicating every single relationship I have to the Lord really struck me. I do everything else in relationships, whether they are friendships, work relationships, or dating relationships....I do the worrying, the pleasing, the encouraging, but I do not dedicate them to the Lord. That revelation bothers me in some respects, as I should be purposeful in relationships of putting the Lord as the center in each one. As a believer, I should seek ways in which to grow and learn from every individual while also pouring the gifts God has blessed me with into their lives as well. May my relationships all be dedicated to the Lord who enacts His perfect sovereignty and justice in all things.

"Shoulda just called for help and ran..."

2011-08-15T22:06:00.000-04:00

It's easy to look back and point to all the wrong you've done. It's easy to sit in retrospect and feel guilt wash over you again and again. It's so much easier to sit and assume you'll change by looking at your past. Truth is, you can't change what you've already done. I cannot hope to take back things I have said in jest, in the heat of feeling such strong emotions at a particular moment. I am constantly fearful of reliving past wrongs...of my life being one big cycle of freedom and bondage.

I realized something though yesterday as I was struggling to feel human after being up sick all night. Maybe I am just coming late to the party in this, but God is right there with me in it all. Those moments when I am tempted beyond what I believe I can stand, He's right there, providing a way out. He has promised He would not bring me to something to not bring me through something. It's me...I am the one who chooses to not believe Him. I step back into the habits of this old self that He redeemed me from. I am the one who picks to buy into the devil lying to me and telling me I will always be that girl...the one who picked the wrong guy, who took a drink, who didn't call for help from God.

I am realizing that as I grow in my faith, I have to grow in my reliance upon Him...in turning to Him in all things, not just when trouble crops up. It is still a struggle, one that I fight daily. Maybe I'm alone in this struggle...in turning to this all-knowing God and confessing my screw-ups and mess-ups and mistakes, fully trusting and knowing Him and His faithful forgiveness. I do not want to seem like I am grace abusing, but that I am committing my life to renewal in Him. In finding God in all times, not just after I have messed up...but before, realizing those tempting times, and those rejoicing times.

We're All The Ghosts of Who We Used To Be....

2011-08-02T22:06:00.000-04:00

I think most people who know me understand how much I loathe Coldplay. I cannot really put my finger on it, other than I think Chris Martin whines when he sings. I admit that if I ever saw him in public, it would take alot of self-restraint to not go punch him in the throat. I particularly I abhor the song "Fix You" when it continuously got played a year or so ago in it's trending way. In it, Martin proclaims he will try to fix you when you've broken. You named your daughter Apple...no thanks.

I do however find myself attempting in vain to fix myself. I try hard to clean myself up, dust myself up, pull myself up by my bootstraps to march on as a valiant soldier for Christ. That doesn't really work out for me. When I used my own means to remedy a situation, I inevitably fell by those same means. About 18 months ago I felt it was time for a change, I needed a shake up. So off I went in applying for jobs. No praying and seeking God's wisdom in it, not asking for discernment or guidance. I purposefully struck out on my own to see what I could do for myself. I found a job offer, laying in my lap about six weeks later. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, this job was not God-willed. He had allowed me to pursue my own interests with my own means and receive what I was pursuing. He did it all, to show me that yes, I have the freedom to choose in every aspect, but will my choice bring about His glory or my own? I thoroughly struggled with that offer and ultimately declined it.

Now I sit in a position, about 40 minutes away from where the other offer was, in confidence of where God led me. Where I stepped back and let Him bring me to in my life. After all, this is not my life to fix, to grab ahold of and clutch for the living years I have left. He needed to bring me through all of last year, the struggles, the wrestling and the pain to show me that when I place full trust and hope in Him, and Him alone, He provides beyond measure...beyond anything I could do with my own hands.

It's still a constant battle of unlearning all the habits of an old self...of a self who was very independent and reliant upon my own means to live life. I carry the shades of independence around, too often like a banner or insignia pin, when I am truly a dependent child of God.Dependence is hard to learn, or relearn. But as I am reminded throughout Scripture, I am to be as a child...ever growing and learning, all the while trusting in God the Father for every thing. Every single thing. Including my self, and what needs fixing.

"God doesn't care about who you were but who you are."

Tried My Best to Be Someone Else Someone Else's....To Be Someone Else Instead

2011-07-31T21:59:00.004-04:00

"Think of it this way, you'll get to remake yourself."
Those words were said to me a little over a month ago. It was the night before I was moving here. I was a wreck. I had filled my days with errands and packing; my nights with friends and dinners. I had not spent time really processing a move three hours away and a new job. I had gotten busy and did not stop to really focus on what was happening.

Through the harsh reality those words did not fully sink in. The following week they played on repeat in my head as I got angry. I don't think the intent behind what he said was what I took it for during the following weeks. I kept thinking, "well, what about me was so stinkin' bad that I need to remake myself?" I wrapped myself up in knots over it and dwelt pretty consistently on his words. And to be honest, I cared alot about this individual and it stung even more to have him say it to me. Now I see those words with different eyes...with eyes that no longer care so deeply for this guy. A heart no longer torn about feelings and emotions that were attached to him and whatever he said. A mind that finally got it...that finally learned a lesson that was too long in the teaching process. I had tried for far too long to be someone else...to be someone else someone else's (as Matt Nathanson so eloquently puts it). I yearned so badly to fit into this mold for someone...and that's not who I am. That is living life as a lie and seeking the approval of someone else...fully dependent upon them for my contentment.

There's a quote that says endings are hard, beginnings are scary...but the middle is where you can fully enjoy it all. I have to say, I think it's true in some parts but beginnings can also be times to enjoy. This isn't a new chapter in my life, it's discovering who I really am finally. It took 30 years to get me to this point in life, of not sacrificing myself to make others feel good about themselves. I won't apologize for that anymore...I won't bend or break my own self-worth and value to appease someone's selfish desires or pump an ego. As Paul says to those at Ephesus, I am His workmanship...HIS...He created me. It's time to stop living to someone else's standard and live into God's.

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.-Ephesians 2:10

Here's the Church, Here's the Steeple...

2011-07-12T07:04:00.001-04:00

On Sunday, I had the pleasure of visiting Cross Point Community Church where I have been once before on a trip to Nashville. I have talked about the church in previous posts on here, as over the last year I have read the senior pastor's book (Pete Wilson's Plan B) and listened to many of their podcasts. It's a growing church in the Nashville community, one that seeks to impact where they are for God. I do not write all of this to promote or brag on Cross Point, but to give you a little back story of the ground work God had been laying the last year knowing I would now live in Nashville.

Blake's topic for the summer series was on Holy Discontentment vs. Change. When I saw the title my mind immediately said "Not for you today, so start checking out the bulletin." My heart, however, told me I had better listen, and listen good. He started with Jude 16...really, who kicks off in Jude? It's a throw-in right before Revelation and is oft flipped past as it only holds one "chapter" so to speak. (Yes, my mind does some crazy trash talking during church...hmmm, I wonder if that is my flesh and habitual sass mouth I have?)

These are grumblers, complainers, walking according to their own lusts; and they mouth great swelling words, flattering people to gain advantage.-Jude 16 (NKJV)

Yep, that was me. Right there...for almost a year. I have been a complainer, a grumbler in the church. I want to be transparent and share this because there may be others who have struggled, or are struggling, or will struggle with this. You see, I allowed holy discontentment, a discontentment based on God's standard to morph, to change into just disgusted discontent. I became jaded, angry, and grumbling. Instead of encouraging and instituting the change God wanted in areas He placed me in, I stood on the periphery and pointed fingers. I pulled the old adage of "I can't do it by myself so why do it at all?" and waved a banner of "No one else serves the way I do."

It was disgusting...I was disgusting. I look back on that time with shame and horror. And I didn't realize it until Blake read that verse. The Holy Spirit revealed that and it washed over me. That verse was talking about me. The very cross I am to bear, to carry, I had constructed into a steeple instead. My cross, the one God had specifically given me, I was turning into this gross banner to point people to me, rather than to Him. I erected that thing atop the First Church of Me and looked with pride. In judging others for their lack of such a steeple, I fell deeper into the sinfulness of my own discontent. For the last year, I have been an ugly person...a bitter, discontent believer who chose pride and discontent over humility and joy. I do not recognize that person when I sit and reflect back. That person was not the me I wanted to be, the me God wanted me to be.

I know and trust completely that God needed me to see that on Sunday. He needed me to take a glimpse at the person everyone else saw, that He saw, and tell me that He expected more of me, He expected better, and that now was the time for me to start living my life the way He commanded. Now is the time for me to tear down that steeple and pick up my cross.

"One thing you lack: Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, take up the cross, and follow Me.”-Matthew 10:21 (NKJV)

Two Weeks Notice...

2011-07-10T19:55:00.000-04:00

In two weeks exactly, I hit a small milestone in life. Or so I have been told. I will be turning 30. I am not quite sure how I feel about this Like it or not though, it will happen. The past few months have brought upon some major life changes for me and I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge those as I move forward.

I moved...it was a big move. One that I languished over and questioned, even after I knew it was where God wanted me to be. Being in Knoxville for almost 12 years, I grew very comfortable there. Sevier Heights had become my home and it saddened me to leave. However, God plotted this out. It is His Hand on my life and I learned to stop questioning His timing and His plans. Now being in Nashville for two weeks, I see why He brought me here. You would think after all these instances of His showing me glimpses of a piece of His plan I would stop doubting and being fearful...

Reflecting on the impending birthday, I came to some rather "adult" conclusions about my life. Friendships are built on two people sharing, loving, and being a part of one another's lives. I have learned through some very difficult times that God has given me several great friends who I haven't truly acknowledged, who I have not given back to as much as I should. To those of you who have listened to me prattle on, cry, and freak out on over the last seven months THANK YOU could never be enough....

It's also made me realize I have invested in certain friendships that when the rose-colored lens was removed, were not truly friendships. They were one-sided...lopsided...and emotionally draining on me. They were what I term them to be energy vampires. I realized that one friendship that I had poured alot into the last year was not healthy. Every one else could tell me that, but until I realized it...until I came to the conclusion myself...I was going to continue to allow it to drain me. I love this individual to death, do not get me wrong. However I can no longer continue to give in, to care with so much of myself and be strung along. It hurts to even type that, but it is what it is...I just chose for far too long to think better of this person, to expect more of them. In the end, that is my own fault, not their's. I placed expectations upon them as a friend that I should not have...I thought they would be a better friend than they truly were. Again, I take the blame on that...great expectations, eh?

The other big conclusion I have developed in reflecting on the last thirty years and what is ahead for me is that I am the one who chooses whether to be content with where I am in God...in where He takes me...in where I follow Him to. It's on me. I choose contentedness. Or I can choose discontent. I can choose to sulk, be wrapped up in drama or issues that have no real concern when compared with eternity. I have that choice to make and I must reap the consequences of that decision...or enjoy the glorious benefits of it.

I am sure I will have more grand revelations as I age...(okay even I had to laugh at the typing at of that statement). I am certain of one thing: God is in control of my life, I have the freedom of choice, and I choose to live a life glorifying Him in all things including my choices and my friendships.

You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet...

2011-07-04T22:15:00.000-04:00

Do you ever pray God small? Do you limit what He can do in your own mind, in your heart, in your prayers? I will be honest and say that I have, and continue to do so in many areas.

A few weeks ago, God reminded me that He truly is bigger than anything I pray. It was while I was in Haiti visiting the property of One Vision International, seeing where they are hoping to begin construction on the new orphanage. As I began to pray over the property specifically, and the children that would be impacted by that blessing God spoke so deeply to my prayer. He was loud and clear with His response. It was such a moving of the Holy Spirit in me that it's taken almost a month to process it fully...I was praying for the kids, the kids we had been playing with and sweating with and joining alongside in life the last two days. I was praying that the orphanage would care for them and raise them up in a godly way, that they would truly be cared for and loved on far beyond what they are now. The Holy Spirit moved deep within me and spoke so clearly..."You have no idea what I have in store for these children. It goes far beyond your wildest prayer." The breath caught in my chest and I began to cry...because I was praying too small for these kids. I pray too small for my family...my friends...my self.

He is already loving and caring for those children. He has protected them from three hurricanes, two floods, and an earthquake. Yes, those children have been through all of that and are in an orphanage. They were left, forgotten by families, knowing they could not be cared for properly...and I had the opportunity to go love on God's blessing. You go on a mission trip to serve others and show them Christ, but I firmly believe God works within you just as much while you are there. He showed me just how small I make Him in my times of prayer...how I attempt to hem Him in with my own small mind and agenda. He was not created by human hands, and He does not mold Himself to them now.

'He puts my feet in the stocks; He watches all my paths' "Behold let me tell you, you are not right in this, for God is greater than man. Why do you complain against Him that He does not give an account of all His doings?"-Job 33:11-13

All Time Faves...

2011-07-04T20:33:00.000-04:00

As much as I love music, there are few songs that truly grasp me and stay with me for years...and even a select few can be called favorites. Favorites for me, are defined about linking me to a time in life, where that song impacted me more than anything else could. I thought I would share a couple of those songs with you...since it's been a while since I shared, and I am thoroughly exhausted from the whirlwind move and new job.

(Sittin' On) The Dock of The Bay is my favorite song of all time. I love Otis Redding, probably my favorite musician of all time, and something most do not know about me.
Bittersweet Symphony is in my all time favorites...I simply cannot put into words how this song stops me and makes me think.
Satisfaction shaped an entire music genre...and me as a child. Yes, my parents raised me on The Stones. None of that sap stuff played in our house, it was Stones, Eagles, and Elvis.

NOT YET...

2011-06-22T13:36:00.001-04:00

Only a handful of people know this about me and when I say a handful, I mean I can count (and name) on one hand the people I have shared this with. I feel though, that after this recent trip to Haiti, I have to share my heart and a specific journey.

For the last 15 months I have been struggling with a major change in my life. Before I even went to Mexico, months before God called me to Mexico, I felt Him calling me to full-time missions work. I did not know what it looked like, nor where He was calling me, but it was a strong force that only God could push within me. I consulted two ministers I respect and trust, who encouraged me to seek out where it was God was leading. I did not want to take this call lightly, nor put my own agenda before God's purpose. I will be honest, it frightened me. I let the devil distract me with petty arguments, disputes with friends and subsequent friendships ending, pursuing romantic interests that were not from Him, and most importantly, doubts. I doubted God...I doubted He could work in me, someone who could be so easily swayed by voices in her ear, tempted by a piece of fruit. How could He use someone so weak to work in the mission field?

Every step that God has guided in the process has been met with two steps back in fear and doubting. In February, I started the International Mission Board process of application. Almost instantly, the door was shut with them. It was heartbreaking, and again, the devil got in my ear...telling me that God wasn't going to use me and I should stop pursuing this ridiculous nonsense. I listened and I drew away from God...doubting once more. Even as I prepared for Haiti, I doubted as to why He would be sending me. But through each step, He showed that is where He wanted me to go...providing in ways I cannot even begin to explain.

While in Haiti, our group was taken to the property where a new orphanage, along with several other buildings will be built. We had about 15 minutes to pray over the property and walk around the inner walls of it. As I started to walk, I grew discouraged because I felt God had something He'd been trying to tell me but I just wasn't getting it. So I walked away from some of the others and just had a conversation with God. I told Him I was upset and doubting His will. I asked why He had been so silent and left me all alone, even in the midst of such a blessing as that trip. That's when He first spoke, very loudly in my ear. He said "NOT YET." At that moment I let it go, and pursued praying for the property (and He spoke again, check back for that post). But throughout the remainder of the day, as I was playing with the kids, spending time with those on the trip, and then in devotion time, I kept hearing "NOT YET" in my ear.

As we were traveling back, I had some time to really dwell on it and I am so thankful I did. I firmly believe He answered my heart's cry for the last 15 months. My struggle, my impatience, my time frame...He quickly and decidedly told me in two words to trust in His plan, in His timing, in His sovereignty. For the majority of those months, I've been trusting in my own plan, my own time schedule, and my own rules. I have to put trust in that...in Him...that He has provided, reigned, and planned out His will for me. I must obey and follow, and stop doubting.

"Uphold my steps in Your path, that my footsteps may not slip."-Psalm 17:5

"We’re on this road together..."

2011-06-21T11:30:00.000-04:00

We don't travel the road alone as believers. We're together on this journey, guided by the Spirit within us, and God right there alongside us. We also have one another, as believers joined together, as the bride of Christ.

In Haiti, I was with 22 of the most amazing hearts and servants of Christ. I had the joy of going with a class from Sevier Heights of young professional singles. This class has the servant's heart, full of love, to give to others and show the love of Christ in all they do. I was so inspired by their constant giving, and encouraged as a fellow believer in every thing I saw them do.

So often, we think it's only the non-believers who are watching our actions, but I am fully aware that other believers look to us, to sharpen and refine from us. I was sharpened by this group of individuals. The unconditional love they poured out, the strength they found even when ill to go the extra mile, and to throw down any barriers to love. That was the biggest image of Christ I have ever seen in action by fellow believers. We may not have been able to communicate with the language, but we spoke with our hearts to theirs. That is the greatest language of all.

My Hands Are Holding You...

2011-06-18T16:51:00.000-04:00

It's been four days since I've returned from Haiti. It seems like forever, and just yesterday, all wrapped into one. To say it was an emotional trip is an understatement. It's a beautiful country, full of gorgeous people, who are broken, struggling, and in need of love. They have hope in their eyes, you can see it when you're talking to them.

For the moment I wanted to share one experience I had while there. I'm still really attempting to process as I've hit some reverse culture shock being back this time around. On Monday, as we were spending our last day with the kids, they decided to put on a show for us. Throughout my time there, I'd have several of the kids grow close with me, but on this day one little guy who'd been floating around between all of us came over next to me and just sat, playing with the bracelet I had on. As the dancing and singing progressed I kept motioning for him to join them, but he shook his head and then climbed onto my lap. He leaned back and just sat and watched. He was fully content to sit there.

It flashed through my mind, while were sitting there, full of sweat from the intense heat, of the picture of the two of us. A "white face" girl who never set out to work in missions, especially with children, with this little Haitian boy on her lap, holding her hands almost asleep because he's incredibly comfortable there. Then my thoughts went to a glimpse of how my relationship with God looks like this. Me, as a child needing rest, needing comfort, needing LOVE, sitting in my Father's lap knowing I'm completely safe there while He takes on the heat, the sweat, my weight...all for His glory, all for love. That image, that moment, is burned in my mind right now. I hope it stays there. I never want to forget what it felt like to be still with this little boy and allow God to reveal a little glimpse to me.

I thought I'd share the picture I snapped of he and I before I became a blubbering mess from crying. Meet Paul, and I pray I get to see him again soon, and in heaven one day.

Mwen kite pou Ayiti nan senk jou

2011-06-05T13:59:00.000-04:00

That's Haitian Creole for "I'm leaving for Haiti in five days" I cannot believe it!! It's so close and I have a ton to do still to get ready. I just wanted to update those of you who read this blog and let you know how thankful I am for each of you. Some of our team is already heading down there to do educational assessments at the orphanage sponsored by One Vision International with a group of individuals.

I'm nervous, and excited, and feeling very unprepared. I know God's got big plans for this team, and for the people of Arcahaie. We'll be at the orphanage in the mornings doing VBS, which excites me as I'll get to meet my sponsor child, Malina, and Day, the child our Singles class is sponsoring too. The afternoons we're going to the property they are building on and to the surrounding community. You can see exactly where we'll be located at here.

I covet your prayers this week as the team prepares, travels, and serves the Haitian people.A team is already en route, and we leave in groups at the end of the week. Pray that we would be vessels for God no matter what the cost to us, we'd not seek our own glory but His, and that He would be glorified through every step of the way.

I want to know what love is...

2011-06-01T09:07:00.000-04:00

I apologize for the absence of blogging, things have been quite chaotic as of late. That's another post coming later this week. I'm currently vacationing in South Carolina, enjoying the beach and some great time of fellowship.

I was standing on the balcony of our condo on Sunday afternoon people watching. I think I could claim this as a hobby. I love sitting and watching people, and the world, go by. A couple caught my eye, and over the last few days, I've taken to watching them when I'm on the beach or by the pool. They are probably in their late forties to early fifties. She is wheelchair bound, but can walk with some assistance from her husband. Yesterday I watched as he walked her into the ocean and they just stood in the knee-deep water.

It struck me at that moment...that's love in action. That. Is. Love. He walked her, very slowly, back to the lifeguard supplied beach wheelchair and wheeled her back to their umbrella where they sat and read. Love is slow. Taking small steps to wade into and lean upon one another. It's sharing together in the hard times and the quiet times. Understanding what each one is, yet still discovering pieces of the other throughout your journey in love.

Later yesterday I saw them coming in from the beach, I watched as he carried all of their belongings as she began to work on climbing five steps up to the pool platform. That is those times where we carry one another's burden, whatever baggage or issue that another has, or that develops in the journey. As they attempt to climb that mountain, you take on the load too. You free them to tackle whatever it is they need to deal with, as their partner in the process, but freeing them as well.

So often our view of love is this young, rampant, passionate love that enraptures and too commonly enslaves us. We look at idolized images of love, like Twilight or Titanic, or whatever other version of a "love story" you choose. This love, the love God commands from us and for us, is a love that develops and grows over time. It matures and renews on itself again and again. It's an everlasting love that endures and strengthens the one who loves, not draining them. That's love worth finding, having, and keeping...I believe and have faith in that Love. A Love based in God first, and reflected in others.

Matthew 22:37-39: Jesus said to him, "You shall love the LORD your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, and with all of your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'

Not My Type...

2011-05-11T07:50:00.001-04:00

Taking a siesta today from my normal posts to talk about relationships...

Recently I was asked if I liked a particular guy. I scoffed immediately when it was asked, because we're friends, we're similar in personality traits, and to be honest, I hadn't really thought of him that way. In my normal approval addict mode, I then began to wonder if others thought that, and more specifically if he did. So I, in some new found confidence (still trying to figure that one out), asked him if I'd given him that impression. We went back and forth for a moment and then these words just stumbled out of me..."and you're not my type....I'm not your type anyways."

What is that phrase and why do we say it?!

It's really gotten me to thinking more on this phrase as I searched to define it for myself. I think in all honesty we say that as a defense mechanism. Oh you're not my type because I really do like you and am afraid of rejection. Oh you're not my type because you'd be good for me for once instead of the crap I've been dating. Oh you're not my type because I don't even have a clue what my type is anymore. It's a way for us to explore the possibility without actually putting ourselves on the line. I'm not pointing fingers, as I did it too very recently. I think too often it shuts another person out, it allows us to stay safe in our singleness, growing comfortable with the ideal person rather than taking a risk on an individual who might just be who God has intended for us.

Do we settle for a life with someone who fits into a paper list? Or do we take a chance on someone who could bring new adventures and ideas into our life? What if, of instead of going down a list of requirements our companion had to fill, we sought how we might fulfill a need they had? Not that I'm saying we need to become insanely into sports, or that we need to take up knitting in order to bait someone we'd typically not see as a potential mate. We need to stay true to who we are as individuals and to who God has created us to be, knowing He's knit this all together for His glory. I don't believe fakeness or pretending have any place in a relationship, whether it be friendship or dating or marriage. (I also don't believe in throwing yourself repeatedly at a person is appropriate, but that's another topic for another day entirely.) But if you're not letting him lead now in the pursuit of a deeper relationship, then it's setting up the wrong tone for a what you hope is a life together.

As I sit and think over that question again, and my response of "not my type" I can't help but regret those words. I wonder if I shut something down that was meant to be flung open...and maybe it still will. That's something I've got to leave in God's trusting care that if more is to come from it, He'll bring it about for His good work and purpose, and not from my own selfish pursuit. However, today I am consciously aware that my type hasn't worked out so well for me in the 14+ years in the dating world, so it's time I threw that list out and took a chance.

Haiti Update

2011-05-09T22:03:00.000-04:00

Quick Haiti preparation update as it's 30 days until we depart...I cannot believe it's so close! My final payment was turned in last week, all thanks and praise be to God for His glorious provision in this as it's been Him providing all along for me to go...

Meg and I have been preparing the craft portion of VBS for the three days we'll be at the One Vision orphanage. A generous donor gave Meg money towards the crafts and we were able to purchase a very large chunk of the items with that money. We've still got some smaller ends to wrap up in purchasing, but yet again, God's awesome hand is all over this as He provides and lays out what it is He will have us do in Haiti.

Some have asked how they can help in the coming days...my biggest request is that you pray. Pray that God would prepare our hearts who are going down, and the hearts of those whom He'd have us reach while we're there. Pray we'd have safe travel and ease of entering the country, that He'd keep a hedge of protection around us while we are there, and bring us back here safely. Pray lives, eternities will forever be altered by Him through us. Pray we'd be open vessels, concentrating on giving Him glory in everything. God's got a big plan in store on this trip, I claim it in His name.

Here are some "other needs" if you feel led to help out, I'd be greatly appreciative, as I still have to purchase them:
Shower sandals
Pillow case and flat sheet
Airplane sizes of shampoo, conditioner, and bodywash
Hand sanitizer (small bottles)
Hand wipes (travel packs)
Bug repellent with Deet
Sunblock (SPF 40 at least, I'm a burner)
Small First Aid Kit
Bandanas/Hat
Batteries
Small travel journal
Replacement top on Nalgene bottle (I broke mine in Mexico last summer)

If you are interested in purchasing or donating any of these things, thank you from the bottom of my heart as you have no idea how big of an impact you are making.

Ankle Deep....

2011-05-09T21:51:00.000-04:00

A few weeks back I posted a statement on my Facebook page that actually was true to life. The statement was "I'd rather get pounded by the waves than stand in ankle deep water all my life." While this statement is true, and at that time I was getting pounded, by my own sinful choices and their consequences, I made a mad dash for the shoreline because I didn't like the dependence I knew God was calling me to have. So for the last several weeks I've been in ankle deep water, playing. I've kicked the water around, I've wiggled my toes so I could feel the sand beneath me. I traded the gasping for breath and legs of jelly for a life comfortable on the shore.

As I realized that this weekend I became frustrated with myself. I had a deep argument in which I checked myself, put myself in line, and said to myself, "You're better than that...dig in and hang on, we're going back in." Therein lies the problem, I went back to relying upon myself, which is what brought me back to the shoreline to begin with. I've had the thought process that I could handle some things on my own, from a comfortable distance. God has a way of slapping you as the tide floods in, and He did. He brought me to the realization I bring nothing to the table in our relationship. Nothing...I don't better it, I don't boost it...I can do absolutely nothing to better it by being in it. He is my buoy in the midst of the waves pounding me, He brings me to the shore for rest, He allows for the movement further out from the beach. He does it all, while I struggle against His saving grace, His lifesaving mercy, His direction and purpose.

I had been believing the lie the flesh wants us all to buy into...that we've got this under control. We can dig ourselves out of stuff and trust God with the big things in life. We can move through day-to-day life, not yielding every part of our lives to Him, and live comfortably. Too often too many people believe this lie, and live it out for the remainder of their days. God sees us as something more...as believers we are His children, princes and princesses in the kingdom. He sees perfection when He looks upon us. He sees courage, strength, love, compassion, patience, and grace pouring out of us. He commands that of us, and He sees that potential in us. All we have to do is embrace it, live in it, and have faith He is right there with us in all things.

Today, I choose to let God carry me where He may in the tide, whether it be beaten by waves or resting on the shore. I trust God will be the One guiding me, pulling me above water, and directing what way I should swim. Today I choose to lay aside the distractions and lies the flesh have used against me to pursue God's goodness and righteousness that far exceed anything I could fathom.

Tailspin...

2011-04-18T22:49:00.000-04:00

Circumstances....

2011-04-17T21:53:00.000-04:00

Define your circumstance.

Don't you love being thrown a statement-grenade like that? God had that one flash through my mind this week as I was complaining about my current circumstance. I was giving Him the "really?!" look as I was wallowing in self-pity. Yeah, pretty sight to behold let me tell you.

Thankfully God has His own way of revealing things, in due time, and He sure did. All week I'd been just mucked down over this circumstance. I'd let the devil remind me yet again of a weakness I had and I began the topple down the mountaintop God had brought me to earlier in the week. (Pause to praise God in the glory of provision...my balance for my mission trip was significantly less than I had record of thanks to the generous and loving hearts at Sevier Heights...whoever provided, THANK YOU for being led by God) I struggled, more than I truly wanted to admit to myself with this circumstance. I struggled with the thought train that went along with it, and I wrestled with the person involved in the situation as well. It's not like I can cut this circumstance out, carve it out of my life, leave it to the side, and move along nicely. This is a part of me and sadly, it started to define me this week. I could visibly see myself working up to a meltdown because I chose to ignore the situation I was in...I chose to just step back and not handle it...thinking it'd float away on it's own.

Aw, if only it were that simple. You see, I defined my circumstance as something not of my own choosing nor doing, but of it being thrust upon me. Ah, and there's the rub...the lie from the devil that I bought. I was merely a bystander that was unwittingly cast as the main character in the drama. I thought God had dropped this bomb on me and left me to deal with the fallout. Ah, if only it were from God...it reminds me of the Israelites. Oh how we love them. We love to point at them, their lack of faith, their stupidity in the desert as God's glory went before them day and night...guiding their path. They strayed, they questioned, they mocked, and they most of all, complained of their circumstance. On repeated occasions.

I think my favorite example is when the manna continues to rain from heaven and they complain they are sick of bread and want meat...so God sends quail. An abundance of quail...and they complain about that. I am quick to question how they could complain about the provision of food. I'm quick to judge them on questioning God, when I, in fact, do it habitually. It's been said you do something every day for 21 days and it will become a habit. Well, I have a habit of questioning God in my circumstance. Today though...oh today, He spoke in the loving way He does so often with this nugget. (I've taken to calling them God-sized nuggets)
Circumstances are times when I realize my own ineptitude at living this God-filled life and my total need for reliance upon Christ in all things.

Now my definition of my circumstance has changed drastically to an unessential or secondary accompaniment of any fact or event (thanks Webster online!). It's all secondary to what God is doing in me in that moment, to Who my God is, and the way I rely upon Him in those times. My prayer is that God would define my circumstance instead of my circumstance defining me.

What's On Your Shelf?

2011-04-15T18:23:00.000-04:00

Here is a little glimpse at what is on my shelf to be read in my home office. Daunting stack o'books now that I see it. That's not to mention the fiction stuff I've got in my bedroom shelf to read as well.

So tell me what you're reading, what you've got on the shelf to read, or what you dream wildly of reading in the future....and do you read more than one at a time? Are you like me and do a switch off of non-fiction and fiction?

(thanks to Jon Acuff for the inspiration for the post)

Guarded Minds

2011-04-13T21:42:00.001-04:00

I stopped caring about you today...
You are, in fact, right in your thinking that I don't like you, in the least, and frankly your mere presence irritates me....
You decided to wear that today? Good choice on your part, not.
You broke my heart, so now I'd really like to break your face.
I'm not here to feed your ego anymore.
Could you just shut up? Your laugh makes me want to smack you...hard.

I'm going to be blatantly honest and say those sentences above are thoughts I've had today. I think it's something we all struggle with, but not something we like to discuss too often. However I do think there's an even bigger problem going on, at least it's making the rounds in the church world. I'm not sure about other places, as only Christians could come up with this forgiveness and grace coated excuse to make themselves feel better.

The confession of thought. We all have thoughts, some not so nice, some extremely pleasant. My strong belief is that unless your actions begin to reflect your thoughts, you know those ones you dwell on way too much, then that's between you and God. Confess it with Him, lay it down, and let it go. If you've snapped at the person you've been holding resentment towards, or if you've intentionally acted a certain way towards them because of your thoughts, then go to them, have a face-to-face conversation where the two of you can talk it out and seek forgiveness. But please refrain from confessing these things to them if it's just been burdening you. All you do in that moment is bring the other individual into sin. You truly do. They begin to dwell on their own actions and worry over them. Just because you want to unburden yourself with your guilt over those thoughts, does not give you free reign to dump on another individual. Leave it with God and let it go.

If I went to every person that I'd harbored some sinful thought about, I'd never get anything done in my day but seeking their forgiveness and having conversations with them. Instead I must be adamant about guarding my mind from these thoughts. I must make a cognizant choice daily to confess to God when these thoughts start and cling to Him...and His Word. James 4 points directly to this: Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.

So are you humbling yourself? All of you? Your thoughts...that one you've been thinking about that girl in your class....that guy at work...that group of individuals who exclude you....your boss. No matter what it is, turn it over to God, seeking to be mindful of when you begin to chase that thought-rabbit, and stop yourself...or better yet, let God stop you. Cling to Him in those moments, being guided by the Holy Spirit and rest in a peace that only He can bring. Rest in that, knowing you are cleansed and humbled before Him...and stay there. Don't wander off to share your new found freedom of a guarded mind with the individual you've been resenting. It only leads to destruction once more.

Side Effects

2011-04-06T04:26:00.056-04:00

I've never been known to have sleeping issues for as long as I can remember. I'm the kid who could fall asleep in the car ride to the beach and sleep the entire way there...eat dinner when we got there, and fall right back asleep. I'd sleep for ten hours straight, and was incredibly difficult to get out of bed on the weekends. Since graduate school, I became a morning person. Somehow my internal clock flipped and I would be up earlier and be in bed earlier at night. Maybe it's the expectation of that deliciousness known as coffee in the mornings that I also discovered in grad school.. Over the last six to eight months, I've developed insomnia. At first I thought it was stress-related. I truly couldn't find a reason to point to why I wasn't sleeping. Frustration reigned in my life and then it just wore me down. I felt like a zombie by noon every day and then wouldn't be able to sleep when I'd force myself to bed at ten because I could no longer function. It ebbs and flows...I can go weeks without so much as waking up once in the night, and then go a week straight with maybe three hours of sleep. Tonight (or this morning, however you view it) is one such instance of lack of sleep. It started creeping in again and I should have seen it coming with the waking up at odd hours throughout the night last week. I shot up two nights ago thinking I'd over slept and I'd been asleep for all of two hours. It suddenly occurred to me the one change over the last week that might have sparked this...yes I may be slow to realize some obvious things...my prescription for Omeprazole. It's my acid reflux medication because I suffer from a pretty severe case of it, I can take it for two weeks at a time and then have to come off of it. It hadn't occurred to me until I was laying awake at 3am that I'd taken two yesterday. So I checked the side effects listed online, and sure enough, "difficulty sleeping" is number two on the list.

It got me to thinking about side effects in other areas of our life. While most of the time we don't ever apply that thinking to anything outside of medications we are taking, I think it fits into the Christian life. You see, when you're walking in your faith, living it out daily you may not notice it. But as Paul writes in Galatians 5, the side effects of your life in Christ are "love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." We produce those in our lives as we daily seek the kingdom, giving God the glory in all things and pursuing after Him. We grow in Him, we sharpen one another, we yearn for more of Him...these are all side effects of a life spent in pursuit of giving God every bit of the glory.

There's always another side to this...for those not seeking Him fully, not pursuing Him daily in their walk there are side effects as well. These may not be acknowledged or revealed as quickly but they are there, mounting, growing, gaining longevity. Paul speaks to this exact thing as well in Galatians chapter five..."the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envies, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like..." I can fully admit that in times when I've drawn away from God, I've exhibited these side effects of the flesh. I've pursued other things and placed them above God in my life (idolatry). I've sought my own will rather than His (selfish ambition). I've envied what others had, where they were, who they were friends with...(jealousies).

As I examine my own side effects of insomnia or painful acid reflux, I have to deliberately choose which I can live with...which option I can daily choose and know that I will survive it. The same is true for the side effects of a life spent dying daily to self, spent in an intimate relationship with Christ....or one where my self reigns, where I draw away from Him and seek my own. Which side effects would you choose given the choice?

The Choice

2011-04-03T15:46:00.000-04:00

I've started and stopped writing a post for a couple of weeks now. I've felt myself drawing away from God. I fully recognize that fact and know the choices I made to do so. I have allowed my own selfish desires and thoughts to control my mind and my life. I think in some way, we all do. I daily make the decision to seek after God or seek after desires of the flesh. Lately that choice was made easy by the flesh. Choosing distractions, individuals, thoughts, and time to devote to things other than God and His purpose. I sought advice from those that I know I shouldn't, and followed it. I bought into the deception the devil was selling me, with every ounce of money I had.

There wasn't some earth-shattering revelation, nor any big booming voice from Him. He didn't choose to speak to Elijah that way (not that I'm in any way comparing myself to the prophet), so why would He speak to me that way? Nope, this was a still, small, whispering question in my ear..."What are you doing?" I made a decision, a choice, to live for God, being His disciple and reflection, years ago. Yet, here I was, still choosing to rely on myself to get things accomplished.

It doesn't work that way as a child of the King. You see, choosing to accept being in the household of the Father means I am under His reign, His sovereignty, and His will. I may do things, accomplish goals, and succeed, but none of it is for my gain, my honor, or my glory. It's all His...always has been, always should be. As A.W. Tozer puts it beautifully, "In myself, nothing; in Him, everything." Nothing that I do apart from God can be gained, can be boasted, can be stored up...but oh, the things I do in service, honor, and praise to Him for His glory, that is everything.

Each day, as I rise...as I strive...as I work, eat, exercise...as I rest...I make a choice to do them for Him, or myself. However simple that may sound, it's a daily dying of my self so that God may accomplish in me what I could not do through my own means. He is. I am not.

A Call to Pray

2011-03-19T09:14:00.000-04:00

This coming Sunday, March 20th will be a day of new beginnings for a nation that's been in turmoil longer than the eyes of the media have been on it. Haiti will have a run-off election between two individuals, Mirlande Manigat (a law professor and former first lady) and Michel "Sweet Micky" Martelly (a popular singer). The results will not be announced until April 16th.

As most of you know, this country has become a piece of my heart over the last year, and in working with One Vision, I've begun to see the need for more to be done in Haiti. You can read about the trip I am taking on the Haiti 2011 page. Over the next few weeks, I am asking you to pray specifically in these areas (from One Vision):

a free and fair election process, where all citizens are afforded the opportunity to participate, according to constitutional regulations
a valid, clear and impartial election of either candidate
the international community unanimously agrees upon the results
any protests or contestations of the results are limited and conducted in a civil and humane manner
that the results would unify the country and set them on the correct path to recovery as a nation

Bloggers Day of Silence

2011-03-17T14:27:00.000-04:00

Not that I post every day but that's been a desire for the Lenten season that I blog more with the additional time I have from something I gave up. I've got some in the works to post up, but tomorrow I will be taking a Day of Silence for Japan. I'm joining a huge crop of bloggers in this...here's more information.

Right Now...

2011-03-15T09:15:00.000-04:00

This song has been the prayer of my heart the last two weeks...Today, I have no other words.

A Walk To Remember

2011-03-13T11:07:00.000-04:00

Yesterday afternoon was a perfect afternoon to be outside in the week leading into Spring. The weather was great and the sun was shining. It was a nice reprieve from the rain and cold that has cropped back up over the last few weeks. Don't get me wrong, I love winter, but with the 70 degree teasers we've had recently my toes have ached for flip flops. I took a walk through my parents neighborhood, the 'hood where I grew up, and shot some pictures. I thought I'd post them up.

Ruining Others

2011-03-12T09:54:00.000-05:00

Remind them of these things, charging them before the Lord not to strive about words to no profit, to the ruin of the hearers.... But shun profane and idle babblings, for they will increase to more ungodliness. And their message will spread like cancer. 2 Timothy 2:14, 16-17b

Have you ever gotten caught on something you've said about someone? Have they confronted you in regards to it, or when you've made some remark to an individual about someone they reply with "Yeah, they're my friend"? The embarassment and shame that fills you is almost too much to bear in those moments.

Let's turn the table now...how does it feel to know someone was talking about you poorly? or to overhear them doing so? Have you confronted that individual to open the dialogue and figure out what the issue is? This too is embarassing and often quite hurtful.

No good comes from idle babble. Paul even references it several times, but most pointedly in his letter to Timothy as he was struggling in leadership. I find this plays out no where more than in the church. True it happens with friendships and workplace chatter, but I'm finding more and more the church is being torn apart through the mouths of godly people. I'm not pointing any fingers here, except at myself. Upon some long reflection lately I've seen that I do more yapping than I do listening. I run my mouth rather than run after God.

What's more, I'm ruining others in the process. I'm ruining those who I run to gossip to, and those I gossip about. I'm calling it what it is, cause all it is is purely gossip. What is gossip? It's profane, ungodliness...Ephesians 4:25 says all gossip is good for is disruption, conflict, and destruction. Do I want myself to be synonymous with those words?

It also tears down...others and myself. It tears down relationships between brothers and sisters, friends, family members, and spouses. It breaks the intimate relationship I have with God Himself. It grieves Him to hear me air out stuff that is not meant for others to hear. No corrupt word is to proceed out of my mouth (Eph. 4:29), and as I am made in the image of Christ, my mouth should be only edifying and encouraging.

I've been truly convicted in regards to this in my own life and it's something I can no longer shove aside. If I am to be a reflection of the Holy God above in all ways, my mouth needs to shut tight. I pray that for those of you who know me and read this, you'll hold me to this as I do struggle in it. I'm praying for the strength only God can provide in staying my mouth when it is not edifying, encouraging, lifting up, or praising. There will be moments I have to walk away, I have to veer the conversation elsewhere, or I might be quite open and say "I cannot participate in this." It's torn down me for far too long, as I have torn down others. God wants to build, wants me to build for His kingdom.

Decreasing...

2011-02-27T17:19:00.000-05:00

What does my decreasing and God's increasing look like?

Some question huh? Been ruminating on that 2x4 for several days, keep coming back to it...Because in truth, I've been on the increase in my life, not God. I've made decisions and bought into distractions that have led to my increase. Sleepless nights and frazzled segments of days have marked this month for me. I was adamant that I get back to the basics with God...Scripture, prayer, and listening. To be honest, the last one is the hardest for me. I like to do all the talking with God and tell Him how it's going to roll. I feel like there are times He laughs, cause He does have a sense of humor, and there are times He shakes His head at me. I finally put myself on the reduction and let God boil through me. I sat and listened this week, not being uncomfortable with the quiet, but rather enjoying the stillness.

One afternoon I saw a glimpse of one of God's promises for my life. Can I tell you how utterly blown away I was in the time I was able to see it? Everything else just pales, it has less glean now. That's what God's increasing looks like...obedience in the littlest of things, the reducing of me, of my self, and the upshoot of Him in every area.

"He must increase, but I must decrease."-John 3:30

Rending the Veil

2011-02-15T20:30:00.001-05:00

"You can't just wander into the Presence of God."

That quote has stuck with me since it was said in passing by someone on Sunday. They were speaking in regards to how even in the Old Testament, everything pointed to the cross. The need for the cross, the need for a Savior, the need for the veil to be torn. I find it no coincidence that this exact same topic was the focus of small group on Monday evening as well.

So often I find myself sitting just outside the Holy of Holies, usually cross-legged and cross-armed waiting. I busy myself with the many things within the Holy Place without ever pushing on through into the very Presence of God Almighty. He wills that I should push through and live my whole life in the Holy of Holies. He waits right there for me. To thrust His Fullness of Glory on me, for me to walk through and stand there humbly in His Presence. With the sacrifice at the cross, the veil was torn, forever removing the barrier between my sinful self and God's Holy Presence. Christ is my access point. Yet I continue to believe in, and attempt to sew back together, that barrier of the veil.

It's a control issue. I have such a problem relinquishing control over to the Sovereign Lord of the Universe. I cannot let it go. It's something I didn't fully come to realize I was doing until recently. Several times God kept reminding me that I needed to let go of the situation. I'd look at Him, as a child often does, and say "I'm not touching it," as my hand was firmly planted on the breakable item with crazy glue in one hand and one of the broken pieces in the other. During my small group study reading of The Pursuit of God by AW Tozer, this quote came out at me and was a neon sign over my life:

"Let us beware of tinkering with our inner life in hope ourselves to rend the veil. God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust."

For the last bit I've been attempting to tinker with my inner life. I've been the one trying to figure things out, and make them fit into a nice, neat box with pretty wrappings and a bow, all the while it looks like the overturned garbage can that the local hounds have rummaged through. I thought I could lay hold of the thick, heavy veil, that I had hung up myself, between myself and God's Presence and rip it in two. The issue is Christ already did it, I just keep finding ways to attempt to stitch it back up...through rebellion, disobedience, not trusting in the God who loves me and wants the absolute best of me in order to bring Him glory.

Sunday evening I found myself uncontrollably upset following Dr. Harkins message during a quiet time of prayer individually. I finally admitted to God how freaked out and scared I truly was, about everything He's been doing in my life. I kept repeating over and over, "I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm terrified." For right now, at present, that was the ONE STEP God needed from me, out of obedience, of me getting my hands off the veil that I had attempted to rehang again.

In the wee hours of this morning, I came into His Holy Presence through that veil and resided with Him. It was an amazing time, however frustrating at the start to lie awake for hours questioning decisions and recent events, to spend alone with my God. For me to be quiet, and listen. For Him to say to me, "I know my child, I've been here waiting for you...YOU." I slugged through this day in a fog, feeling like I hadn't really heard Him right, as I was on my knees next to my bed this morning. It's confirmed in me, this burning desire to reside in His Presence, to be in the Holy of Holies as His child, and to know He's the One doing everything, not my fallible self.

You Light Up the Sky...

2011-02-10T21:54:00.000-05:00

I have a penchant for sunrises and sunsets. I know alot of other people do too. I don't have those fancy cameras but I do love capturing them because for me, it's a reminder of God's greatness each morning as I look out my window during my quiet time, or as I'm heading back to work in the evenings. Whatever task I am doing, I usually stop and appreciate it, in all of God's majestic glory. I thought I'd share the last couple of week's amazing images.

The Other Site.

2011-01-30T15:01:00.000-05:00

For those who might not be aware, I'm running another blog as well currently. It's sharing the journey of the Radical Experiment with my small group. If you'd like to follow along with us feel free, just hop on over to sgradicalexperiment.blogspot.com.

Obedience Training

2011-01-26T21:01:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about how, having grown up with pets, we never took any of our dogs to obedience training. Other than Barney, the wonder dog I rode like a pony when I was five, all of our dogs came from the animal shelter. The current pup (pictured to the right) is nine years old, and another in a long line of incredibly awesome dogs my family has had. Every single one of our dogs has meshed right in with the family and been house-trained rather easily. Yes, even at 100+ pounds, Chess stays indoors more than outdoors. No big discipline problems, and always well-mannered when on the leash.

The more I thought about it, the more I reflected over the last two weeks in my own life. God was putting me through some obedience training, that I so desperately needed according to Him. Obedience is the word He led me to adopt this year...and He has wasted no time in putting my strong will to task. Without going into pain-staking detail, the last two weeks have been like the training you would do for an obstacle course competition with a dog. Each time, God would ever so gently tug on that leash and say "Let's go." I'd start to backup defiantly, bracing and flexing my muscles, churning my stubbornness into determination. And He'd stand there and wait, holding the leash. I didn't learn on the first run through, by the third though, He was leading me through jumps and I was like "Yeah! I'm following Your lead God...take me wherever."

I have to say, those times where I was at the bottom of the ramp and He was at the top, saying "C'mon. I'm up here, I want you up here with Me. It's safe, trust Me." I would pull back, I would question. I would run over every scenario around that ramp. That's when I truly got smacked in the face with the truth that I wasn't trusting Him with even the smallest things. I wasn't putting one foot out onto that ramp knowing He'd lead me into His embrace, where He had walked, what He'd gone through. I'm learning, ever so slowly, to not leave the leash tout but to move up closer by His side with some slack in the leash. That's the picture of obedience to me right now.

Rolling Old...

2011-01-24T21:27:00.000-05:00

and by old, I mean Old Testament. As a part of the Radical Experiment that I prayed and committed to doing over the next eleven months, I've been reading through the Bible daily. I've completed the first two books of the Old Testament and one in the New Testament. I have to be honest and say I wasn't looking forward to reading the OT. I have done the read through the Bible plan in year before, and really not gotten much out of it.

This time I was determined to not get bogged down if I got behind, and really take my time going through the verses. After all, God laid out the Bible for a purpose...all of it. Since I usually confess so much here, I have to lay out that I'm loving reading the Old Testament. Granted I'm just slightly into Leviticus, but I love it. My quiet time has been spent in Jeremiah over the last few weeks. It was not my choice, as I really felt God tugging at me to read it. I'm glad I have...as He has revealed such amazing things in it to me in ways I could not have fathomed.

The setting up of the tabernacle? Totally amazed at the detail and intricacies behind that...and how God had placed the knowledge and craftsmen within the people of Israel. The gold and linen used in the assembly of it? A free will offering from the people, so that it may be pleasing to God. The sacrifices given to God on the altar, before the priests? So that they might be pleasing to the Lord, a sweet aroma.

It got me thinking, especially after reading about the sacrifices this morning...do I bring offerings to God? Do I bring my firstfruits as it states we are to do in Leviticus 3? Is what I bring to God pleasing to Him? Does it have a sweet aroma? All that I have, He has provided...all that I can give, is already His. However, it's the free will giving back to Him, those offerings that I recognize and desire so greatly to bring to Him that He desires. He waits for that. He waits for my best, when I bring Him my leftovers. My week-old, mold-growing-on-it, wreaking leftovers...after I've given my time elsewhere, my heart to distractions, and my self over to sin. Today, what if I bring Him my very best and lay it before Him? What if I choose to give Him the glory for the great things He has done in my life by giving Him the great things back as an offering of praise, worship, and out of obedience?

One Word

2011-01-10T21:22:00.000-05:00

So I'm joining the movement, jumping on the bandwagon...or possibly just choosing to live life for the next year in how God is seeking to have me live it. So many have committed to living in the context of this word-sort like a resolution. This goes far beyond some silly resolution for me. In fact, I wasn't going to do this. That is until God really got ahold of me the last week. I mean, He put His mighty thumb down on me and would not let up. I was uncomfortable, agitated, and uneasy...I didn't like it one bit.

He knew where to get me, as He always does when I'm not listening to the Holy Spirit, entrusting Him to guide me, lead me, and fill me. So I started praying, thinking, and praying again. The word that kept coming back over, and over, and over again was this...OBEDIENCE. Then came the flood of off-shoots as I began to really overthink things. But I God kept coming back to obedience. Every quiet time was flooded with obedience points. Every sermon or message I heard was throwing obedience at me. Every single blog I read dealt with being obedient in whatever God's asking from you, or asking of you. So I had some time with God, one-on-one in His presence. I prayed for obedience to fill my life. That I would obey, regardless of what it cost me, regardless of what it looked like, and regardless of the questions that I might come up with. Obedience...I was at the end of self in this.

During the service Sunday morning, in the midst of praise and worship singing, this thought flashed through my head: "If I can't trust you to obey in even the smallest thing I ask of you, how do you think I can give you the big things and think you'll obey?" I was already trying to talk God out of something in my head that He was speaking to me about, and He called me on the carpet. That's when I stood, alone, and praised Him with all I had. I poured every bit of myself out to give to Him right then. Afterward, I was speaking with a friend about some things that'd been weighing on me, how God had really put his thumb on my life for a while, and I thought I'd dodged Him for good on it. I shared with her what all I had been reading as far as quiet time, and the Radical Experiment, showing her over and over again where God was reiterating the same thing through so many different outlets. She asked me a pointed question, one that I needed to be asked quite frankly much sooner than that, and my response was "I know that if I cannot be obedient in the small things, there's no possible way I can be trusted with the big things from God." I came straight home and went directly to the area I'd been really wrestling with God on and became obedient in what He'd been pushing on me for weeks. It felt like a boulder had been lifted off of me in all honesty. It was such a weight that I hadn't even realized I'd been carrying. Do you ever get that way? You've carried the burden of whatever it is around for so long, you've grown accustomed to it's weight.

So tonight, as I was procrastinating finishing up a loose end in this area of obedience, I flipped on CrossPoint's sermon from yesterday by Pete Wilson. Their new series is entitled "More." Check out the intro to it here, I got pumped for it and I'm not even there to see it live. Pete's message was a smack to the face. I sat speechless, I still truly don't have words for it. All I can do is end with this quote from Pete, "Big moves by God are almost always preceded by obedience to Him in the small things."

Snow Day

2011-01-10T11:22:00.000-05:00

We were blessed with snow overnight in our area...and I actually saw the time frame it came through in, as I've been battling some insomnia issues recently. I was doubly-blessed with a rare snow day from work as well. So instead of staying huddled up in the apartment, I seized the moment and got out in it. How often does this come along, really?

Snow angels...

I love living at the base of the Great Smoky Mountains

When students apply themselves-a makeshift snowboarding ramp

Squirrel in mid-flight across the snow

I seriously love snow...it's a sickness

Concentrating On The Job

2011-01-03T20:20:00.001-05:00

"You just try to think about the things that you can control. The implications of what the kick means and all that stuff, that doesn't move the ball right or left. You just go out there and concentrate on my job." I read this statement in the write-up following the Colts/Titans game from Sunday. It's from Adam Vinatieri, the kicker for the Colts, who won the game with his last second field goal. It struck me in reading that there was so much stuff in his words worth picking apart.

The first sentence is so very true. So often I dwell on what I believe I can control, what I believe I have a hand in containing, or managing, or fixing. I think about reactions, thoughts, movements, and other people...in how best I can control all of those factors in a given situation. It tends to consume me, pushing me to the point of over-thinking and over-analyzing. It'll sometimes push me to the edge...(like what I'm currently experiencing). Nothing, not a thing, is in my control. I may be foolish to think so, but God's got a handle on it all. I think so highly of myself to allow myself to start thinking, plotting if you will, how much better I could handle whatever situation I'm in. In the course of history, throughout all of time, when has God's control been superceeded by man's? When has man done a better job of controlling any situation than God can?

The final sentence was the one I ruminated on, stopped dead in my tracks actually, when I read it...and since then as well. Although grammatically he stated things a bit wrong, his point gets across. All we can do is focus on what God has given us to do. We cannot look to our brothers and sisters in Christ to mimic them-we can learn from them, grow from them, sharpen one another...but we ultimately cannot be them in a situation. We can only be ourselves, filled with the Holy Spirit, relying fully on God and trusting in Christ to lead our path. All I can do in a situation, specifically the one that's been rattling around for months now in my head, is concentrate-pray-seek God's wisdom-look to His Word and guidance-knowing that's all I take into the situation...all that God wants to do He will reveal in me, to me, through me. I have to make myself available to Him for use, and nothing else.

Blog All About It

2010-12-31T09:52:00.000-05:00

If you are a friend on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, you know I repost blogs from those I read on occasion. Okay, more often I post what people write on their blogs as they are pretty insightful and have hit me where I needed it that day. In keeping with the end of year theme I had going on here with books and music rewinds, I thought I'd post my favorite blog posts from those I read throughout the year. Hold on...here we go..

Bored by Pete Wilson...man this guy was a force in 2010. God used him over and over to speak truth and hard stuff to my life I know. If you've read the last few entries you know I loved his book, "Plan B." His blogs are great as well, as he hits you where it hurts sometimes. Believe me, I need refining and sharpening more than anyone. Bored, was on a day in which I was in the very snotty mood in which he alludes to in the post. I was in the midst of some crazy days at work at the start of the semester. Great post.
Having Two Gods by Jon Acuff...I love his satire. He nails the funny side of the things we Christians do on the head. The serious Wednesday posts tend to sting sometimes, or cause me to cry at my desk at work. You know, normal stuff from a blog. This one, oh this one, came after a couple of months struggling in my faith, struggling to see God as the God who loved me in the midst of my pain, my struggling, my fighting. I had created my own image of God, an image of Him not loving the me who was wrestling with decisions, of Him telling me to get over it that's the way things go sometimes. That's not my God and it never will be. My human self cannot fathom how much He loves me, how much He cares. This post gets to the heart of that and really showed me where my thoughts had been for three months.
Despite Your Failures by Justin and Trisha Davis...I just started reading their blog in the fall. They have such a story of grace, forgiveness, and healing. I'd been on such a path of great things for God over the summer. I saw Him show up so many times, but come September I fell flat...and couldn't pull myself up. He was trying to show me that He was there to pick me up, and I kept slapping His hand away because I felt I needed to be better before I could come back to Him. Following the post by Acuff above, I read this one from Justin. We can choose to be defined by how we fail, or by how we are re-created after the failure. Powerful stuff.
Deeply by Morgan MacGavin...This is the post that started the friendship. Wow, I still cannot believe how God brought sisters together who live three hours apart. It's all Pete Wilson's fault really. But I started reading Morgan's blog after seeing her comments on his blog. It snowballed...and we're friends and sisters in Christ. We met face-to-face in November when I was in Nashville and attended CrossPoint Community Church while in town. I love reading and sharing with her in her new walk in Christ.
Too Much, Not Enough by Jessica Francis...An incredible post from a young woman confident in her path in life that God is leading. She is wise beyond her years and strong in her walk with Christ. It's such an encouragement to read and see God at work in her life while she is in college...I'm blessed to experience students such as these each day of my life.
The Importance of Conversation by Neal Thornton...I'm blown away by the wisdom and knowledge in regards to faith that Neal has within him. Neal is a minister at Sevier Heights Baptist Church, where I'm a member. Anytime he preaches...or teaches I should really say, it's like being schooled in a classroom-something I love. I fill up pages upon pages of notes that I go back and pour over. This post was a short one, but a reminder of something each one of us needs. And I laughed this morning after posting my entry last night and seeing this was one of my favorites on the year. Thanks for the reminder, again, God.

I wish you all the happiest start to your new year! May you begin this year full of love, refreshed, and with a clean slate!

Time Out

2010-12-30T19:34:00.000-05:00

Then Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every sickness and every disease among the people. ³⁶ But when He saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were wearyand scattered, like sheep having no shepherd. ³⁷ Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest truly is plentiful, but the laborers are few. ³⁸ Therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest.”-Matthew 9:35-38

I've been reading in Matthew over the last couple of weeks as a part of The Radical Experiment, which is an outflow from the small group study we did on the book by David Platt throughout the fall. Although I'm slightly behind on the reading the Bible in a year commitment by a few days, I am really digging into the plan. My small group has committed to this experiment for the next year, as we began on December 1. You can read about our journey through that here if you'd like.

My vacation from work started two weeks ago, as this time of year and summer is really the only time I can be off from work due to the school schedule. I am thankful for the time away as it allows me to plug into other things I cannot do during the year. I've gotten to volunteer a substantial amount more over the last month and I'm so thankful for that. I absolutely love it. Last week I went with a lady from another Bible fellowship class to visit members of the church who are now residing in nursing homes. We had such an amazing time visiting with one woman, who talked sports and church with us. She was an original member of the church as a child, and loves the Vols. It was such a blessing to hear her stories and spend time with her.

Do you take time to listen? Do you take time to sit and truly soak in what someone else has to say? I've found myself in the midst of all the craziness of the holidays that I was rushing around, not listening, but formulating responses or ticking off lists while others were talking to me. I'm ashamed to admit that, but it's true. I've thought on it and have resolved to listen beginning now. Listen to others, to what they're going through, what's on their minds, their stories...and not attempt a response. Why does quiet or silence have to be awkward? That's processing...My prayer for each of us as we head into a new year is to listen more....take that time to listen to others, and most importantly to God. He's speaking, but am I listening?

Today's Post is Sponsored by the Letter R...

2010-12-19T16:44:00.002-05:00

And R is for reading!

My other big time devotion is to reading. I'm a sucker for a book and I love, love, love the local used book store, McKay's. I typically have about nine books in queue on my shelf to read at any given time. This year I dug into more faith-based reading than I have before. It was a challenge to myself to grow in my faith and knowledge of who I am as a believer, and who God is to me. It's stretched me to say the very minimal. I've been uncomfortable reading for the first time ever. I mean uncomfortable in the best possible way though. This is my list for the best books I've read this year:

1. Radical by David Platt...anyone that's heard me talk about this book knows it's by far my favorite book IN YEARS. You can see the hand of God on David's writing and in his life. This book has challenged and stretched me in so many ways. Many times crying over the pages as I saw my own grossness as a believer reflected back.

2. Dare to Drop the Pose by Craig Groeschel...this one had been sitting on my shelf for a few months. I read another one by him (a newer release) before this one. Not to knock Craig's writing, but this one got a higher ranking for me. I needed to read those things at the exact time I read them. I actually just finished this book last week. It was difficult, and I didn't come out of it without having some sore toes. So worth it though.

3. Plan B by Pete Wilson...oh this book....this book got me. I began reading it thinking, "this is preparation for when I find myself in a plan b situation...I'm good right now...life is grand." In the midst of reading that, I began to get sifted by God in ways I don't think I would wish on an enemy. I had a very difficult few months searching out where I was in God's plan for my life and how my current state would be of help in the long run. Whoa, was Pete's book truly a God-send in my life.

4. Stuff Christians Like by Jon Acuff...not your typical "churchy" book. His satire is the stuff of legends. Hilarious and relevant while still holding to his faith. I love it. His serious Wednesday stuff on the blog is just briefly highlighted, but wow...it'll knock your block off. (He's got a new one out in regards to financial advice...here's hoping that one got bought for Christmas)

5. The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel...another Groesch book yes. This one was great, and I highly recommend it. It dives into how as believers we say we follow Christ, yet we live like the world. It'll rock your boat quite a bit. If it doesn't, then maybe you're a super-Christian or not one at all.

The Rhythm is Gonna Get You

2010-12-15T12:01:00.000-05:00

I'm a self-diagnosed music junkie. Anyone who knows me for oh, five minutes, knows this about me. You can blame my parents somewhat for this, as they raised me on the good stuff. Taking me to shows even as a kid. They still go to shows...festivals is actually where they find themselves now. My dad has liked bluegrass before it was cool to like bluegrass. My mom opened my ears to Elvis, the Stones, the Eagles, and the Beatles at an early age. Hmm, maybe that's why my hearing is so bad now. (I kid, sort of) I remember distinctly rocking out to Cyndi Lauper in the drive-through of McDonald's as a kid. It was a tape...and I can remember that so vividly.

Music has seemed to mark it's place in my life at defining times. I navigated through so many stages in appreciating it. Funnily enough, I have eclectic taste now because of it. My car presets for radio stations runs the gambit from Christian to Top 40 to Indie to Oldies. My first record? Yes, record was a 45 of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" that I played on my hand-me-down Hollie Hobbie record player. I don't remember my first tape, but I do remember sitting by the radio almost nightly listening to the top songs of the day or request line and taping songs off of there. I distinctly recall my first cd, as embarrassing as it is to admit now, I applaud myself for going against the grain and buying a $14 Ace of Base cd. (My taste for international music was wetted there....lol)

Over the last few years, I've expanded and found that live music is amazing. Don't get me wrong, my iTunes is usually open at all times while I'm at home, or I've got my iPod hooked up or playing Pandora from another room. Music surrounds me. I love it, I truly do. I've learned to appreciate local music so much in the last ten years. I remember my first Left Foot Down show at Campus Pub as a freshmen in college. Wow. That's where I fell in love with it all. Music is an experience, not just "background noise."

This last year I've seen a ton of shows...much to the detriment of bank account. That's my Kryptonite. You say, "hey (insert band here) is coming to Knoxville/Nashville/Atlanta" I start trying to figure out if it's feasible for me to go, then when tickets go on sale. Here's just a small taste of what I saw this year...with a NYE show (front row) to see The Dirty Guv'nahs still to come:

Seabird....so so so worth it to see them for one song (I was working the show for The Square Room)
WinterJam, where I saw Third Day, Newsboys, Fireflight, Sidewalk Prophets, and Revive
NEEDTOBREATHE (times 3) yes I saw them three times this year, and each show only trumped the last
Mat Kearney and Ingrid Michaelson great show, great vibe on the front row
Will Hoge (times 2) He opened for NTB, then I saw him again in June...would have been three if not for my pesky gallbladder attack the day of his show in October
Chris Tomlin and Tobymac wow, there aren't words for how stinkin' great this was to see
Brandon Heath and Jars of Clay another great show to see...

There's already one show that I've got on my "must see" for next year...but I'll refrain from spoiling that surprise. I hope you get out and enjoy some music today. It's worth it.

A Change in Plans

2010-12-12T19:00:00.000-05:00

Since I got back from Mexico in July, I've had it in my heart and mind to plan to be back there next summer, possibly even for two weeks. That has been exactly where my planning and focus have gone...Mexico.

In September I had the honor to volunteer at a donor breakfast with One Vision International. They have an orphanage sponsorship, along with many other projects in the works, in Haiti. This organization has close ties with my church, as the founder/CEO of One Vision is the son of our Senior Pastor, Dr. Hollie Miller. It's an organization we hear alot about to say the least. Through my volunteering and conversations with those involved in going to Haiti, I've been thinking and praying.

About two months ago John Miller came and spoke during a service about the needs at the orphanage. As he was talking about where they were headed as far as buildings and long-term work there, I looked at my friend next to me and said, "You know, I could totally do that." She half-laughed and said, "Well yeah, I'm giving money too." I replied with, "No, I mean, pack up and head to Haiti for long-term work." She looked back at me in stunned silence, her mouth slightly open. She just turned back her attention to what John was talking about and I sat there. After the service, on my drive home, I began to really think about what I had claimed. That wasn't me. I don't say things like that. Then I really began to search and pray about where this was coming from.

I ask you pray for me in this, as next week I'll be attending a meeting about partnering for a trip next year with One Vision to go to Haiti. I don't think it's a coincidence that it also got mentioned in my missions work meeting with an executive pastor at the church. He literally asked if I had considered Haiti, not knowing I had this on my heart already. God will guide my path on this, I know and trust that. I pray that I will be obedient in each step and not selfish in putting my desires in front of His. Thank you for your continued support as I search out what long-term missions work looks like for me. (cause honestly, here lately I've seen something really different blossoming as an aside to international missions work)

Reflections on The Tree

2010-12-08T22:18:00.000-05:00

The Living Christmas Tree production and performances ended Monday evening at Thompson-Boling Arena. It is done...however, the lives that God changed will continue on.

On Sunday we had a reflections class in our Bible fellowship class, as the teacher had the lead role, and many of our class members were a part of the Tree in some capacity. This is a production for our church, to say the very least. The script for next year is already in the works, the music is recorded in July, and they practice for MONTHS on the performances from the dancers, to the actors, to the choirs. Last year was the first time I saw it, and was involved in a very small way for a couple of nights by throwing out Singles Ministry stress balls. The "joke" is everything gets pulled to the Tree each year. And boy are they right. This year I saw that first hand as it affected my small group schedule, was what all of us talked about and prayed about for weeks.

Back to class...Dustin brought up some snippets of stories from the first two performances on Saturday. The man who was portraying Jesus was new to the role this year. He made this statement to Dustin in passing the day before, "The view from the Cross is very different." How true, in so many contexts. It's mind blowing to really think on that statement. Our view from the foot of the Cross is drastically different than when we're up on that Cross putting our sin there on Jesus. Or even Christ's view on that Cross. The other thing Dustin brought up was perspective. Strip down the lights, the glitter, the costumes, what do you get? The gospel was presented, by the grace of God and through the Holy Spirit's moving. Dustin had a huge responsibility to present the Gospel and invitation at the close of the performance. Alot of prayer went up for him in that, and God really used him to speak His Word. The perspective I came away with was in the moments of the Cross scene, the Resurrection, and the miracles was that God was moving across the audience. Lives were being changed...believers were coming back to Him...and most importantly, eternities were impacted, changed in moments.

I stood on the steps of the concourse on Sunday evening inside this basketball arena watching the portrayal of Christ being beaten and nailed to the Cross. I began to cry. I saw my sin, my actions, my SELF putting Him on that Cross. I saw His love for me. His love for us all. That moment I knew, God was working. His hand was on that place and showing those who may never hear any other way, about His Son, His sacrifice, and His ultimate love for each one of us.

I got the amazing privilege of being at the prayer booth for two performances and I was touched, moved, and stretched. We had several people come up for prayer and I got to talk with one young man who has been on my mind since Monday night. Pray for Dennis. My heart burns for him and what all he's going through and struggling with his salvation on top of that. I also got to prayer walk around the concourse of the arena. That's a truly humbling and joyous thing to do. It's a privilege for us to do a public presentation such as that on the Gospel, and then to be able to walk around praying over it, the people in it, and those who are seeing it is just awesome. I'm truly blessed more than I deserve by all God's wisdom, revelation, and gifts.

Persecution?

2010-12-02T07:37:00.001-05:00

I was listening to WAY-FM out of Nashville this morning when they started talking about the high school kid who got penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct for kneeling down, and pointing to the sky, in the end zone after scoring a touchdown in a game. The penalty, as assessed by the officiating board for athletics, stems from not drawing attention to yourself after scoring.

People were calling in saying it was religious persecution for that kid...questioning where our country is headed after what we were based on. I applaud the deejay/host because he stepped in and started reading off stories of REAL persecution in other countries. I was seeing exactly where our country sits in their comfort and "all about me" mentality. Take this same scenario to China, to Iran, to Afghanistan....let's see how they'd respond to that. Would they see that as religious persecution?

Thoughts?

For more on the persecuted church, check out: www.persecution.org

Thankfulness-Day 30

2010-12-01T05:14:00.000-05:00

Sunday-Time...it does alot. Sunday I was thankful for the time I had. I am thankful there are 24 hours in a day, and God allows me to have those hours for a specific purpose.

Monday-Thankful for a good report from the doctor following the discovery of a cyst on my kidneys. It's been a long month of battling what exactly was going on with my health. After talking with a friend who was in a very hard place healthwise a year ago at this time, I am thankful all that is bothering me is 4 millimeters...which should be fine as long as it doesn't grow. Related to this, I'm incredibly thankful for all the prayers that were lifted up for me. I was freaked out at the thought of surgery, especially having an organ removed. All signs led straight to it and we were just doing an ultrasound to confirm, when it was revealed that it wasn't even my gallbladder. Thank you to all the prayer warriors out there.

Tuesday-Wow...Tuesday was quite a whirlwind to bid November adieu and usher in December. This week in general is a whirlwind...but I ended the month on a really awesome note. I'm thankful for getting out of comfort zones, in so many ways, but especially last night. I'm writing the post in my head as I type in regards to what happened, so stay tuned. Just know I am so very very thankful that God doesn't want us comfortable in our Christianity.

One Step...Away

2010-11-29T21:10:00.000-05:00

One month fully out of one context of leadership has shown me things about myself I didn't truly realize. All for good...all for God's good and ultimate glory. All for my betterment and refinement as a child of the King. But still quite difficult, even now. I've had to do this though. I truly felt God leading me on this one, however difficult and strained it has been. God needed to focus me...He still does, however hard I try to distract myself.

Of late it's been a particular distraction that keeps popping up. I've allowed it to happen, over and over again. I search it out some moments, and others it will completely wallop me upside the head just begging to have my attention more. I've been struggling on it, and obviously losing. It seems just as I'm no longer being diverted with the issue, I get blind-sided by it again from out of nowhere. Often I buy into it, and then hear myself or catch how I am coming across and it scares me. It utterly terrifies me...because I see it. I see it, but I continuously welcome it into my life, my head, and worst of all, my heart. I deceive myself with it more than I'd like to admit. That's not who I am, not who God's commanded me to be....how He's called me to live. It's not who I want to be. That distraction isn't my purpose, nor what I should look to in any way, shape, or form.

As I was coming home from the gym tonight, I was back to dwelling on this issue when I recalled our leadership training four months ago. "What's that one step I'm willing to take?" This time around it's a step away...I have to step away from this distraction...I have to step forward to the altar and lay it down. Leaving it there. I have to commit this to God, knowing I cannot be distracted by something deceptively good right now, or ever for that matter. God's showing me just how detrimental it is, and how much He longs for me to lay it down to focus ENTIRELY and COMPLETELY on Him.

This time, the one step...is forward and away.

Thankfulness-Day 27

2010-11-27T09:35:00.000-05:00

Friday-Lazy mornings, and productive afternoons. Most of the time it's an either/or for me. I can have a lazy morning or a productive one. I can have a productive afternoon, or a lazy one. Yesterday I had the best combination of both. I slept in (for the first time in weeks...and a sleep through the night sleep in to boot!), made pancakes, had my coffee leisurely, and enjoyed the morning. I then went to workout, because after all that food on Thursday I needed it! I decided I might stop by a couple of stores to see if they had some things on my list to buy, and sure enough, they did...and no lines! Take that crazy Black Friday 3am shoppers! (I'm going to out my mom here and say she was one of them yesterday) I then came back, cleaned my entire apartment, and got out a huge amount of Christmas decorations. The tree is all that is left to go up. All in all, it was a great balanced day that ended with watching a great movie...

Saturday-The peace of God. I'm thankful that God's peace guards my heart and my mind. Lately I've been really struggling, and thus focusing, on my thoughts and my mind. I let them get the best of me alot of times, wasting time and energy thinking about things that aren't productive, aren't good, and most of all, not bringing God anything but sadness and grief. The more I've been intentionally examining where my thoughts are, the more God's showing me in His word how to focus on Him. I'm incredibly thankful for His peace today.

Thankfulness-Day 25

2010-11-25T17:31:00.000-05:00

Tuesday-I'm thankful today for music. I love music, I truly do. I love listening to bands and musicians play out their art. As someone who cannot sing, nor play any type of instrument, I truly appreciate the beauty that is music. Thanks to all musicians and performers out there! What you do inspires us all!

Wednesday-I'm thankful for hermit days, as I've so lovingly nicknamed them. They are days when I keep to myself, doing something I have been wanting to do. Today I went to the movies and bought a couple of Christmas gifts. There's not much else to it. Other days may be working out and watching some movies at home, or baking, or scrapbooking. Whatever the case, I'm thankful I can enjoy these small luxuries in life and have time to be the introvert I've always wanted to be.

Thursday-On this day of national thanksgiving, I give thanks for the blessings God has given me throughout my life, and especially this last year. He has provided more than I could need...none of which I deserve. I was reminded how truly blessed I am today with family who love, a job that supports, and friends that care. I am truly blessed beyond words for all that God has provided. I pray that I may give Him glory by giving and sharing that with others.

Thankfulness-Day 22

2010-11-22T17:59:00.000-05:00

Wednesday-Thankful for blog writers. I've become a part of a community in blogs over the last year. It's amazing how it brings people together, starts conversations, and forges friendships. I realize some think it's absolutely ridiculous, but those of us who write and share appreciate those who read and comment.

Thursday-I'm thankful for old friends. The kind of friend that we can go without seeing one another for over a year, with huge life experiences happening, and pick right back up where we left off. I got to spend the evening in Nashville with my good friend Jill having a great meal and hearing a great band play...and sadly as I was looking through my digital pictures and this one (from 2006) was the only one I could find of she and I. We're super bad about not taking pictures...it's only evidence, lol, as we used to say.

Friday-Safety...God keeps me safe in ways I have no way of knowing alot of the time. Definitely thankful for the safety He provides in those moments.

Saturday-Humility...thankful God humbles me when I definitely need it. He showed me I needed to seek forgiveness and apologize to individuals. It wasn't my proudest moment when I saw how I had acted in the moment. Thankful He humbles me...as I should always be walking in humility.

Sunday-I'm thankful I can give to others. I volunteered to hand out Baskets of Hope from KARM this afternoon. I will say it's really challenged me and confirmed some things in my heart that God has been pressing on for the last few weeks. I had the privilege to pray over families as they took their meals home to have Thanksgiving. 1500+ families will now have meals on Thanksgiving thanks to the generous hearts who prepared Baskets of Hope...many of which came from the SHBC Singles ministry and care groups.

Monday-My students...wow. The four young women I have the honor of working with daily, sitting around a table at lunch each week for meetings makes my Mondays so much better. I don't believe I have ever laughed so hard as I have this year with my students. I'm thankful for them. They are a HUGE reminder to me as to why I do what I do for long hours for weeks at a time....

Have YOUR Way...

2010-11-17T21:39:00.000-05:00

I had the honor and privilege of being a part of the faith family at CrossPoint Community Church-Nashville campus on Sunday morning. I strongly encourage you that if you live anywhere in the vicinity of Nashville you should visit...and if you're ever in Nashville, definitely go to one of their campuses for a service. I was slightly nervous about going to be honest, but the good nervous like a first date kind of happy jitteriness. It's been a while since I've been a "visitor" at church. I've been a member at Sevier Heights for almost a year and a half, and began attending almost two years ago (this January 1 to be exact). I pray that every person who walks through the doors at SHBC feels as welcomed as I felt at CrossPoint.

After finally meeting Morgan face-to-face for the first time, I went into the sanctuary where I was introduced to two other women who attend. As the service started, it really felt different to sing there...don't ask me why or how...as I'm still trying to figure it out. I closed my eyes and just worshiped in those moments. I was surrounded by my brothers and sisters in Christ, praising Him and thanking Him. We sang "Arms Open Wide" which I've posted below...this was the moment...the moment for me and God. It's what the last seven months have been leading to, what my entire life has been leading to...I've talked about how I'm called to the mission field and I'm praying about what that looks like and really digging that out with others and in my prayer and meditation time with God. But I have to say, that moment standing in that pew worshiping is seared into my mind's eye. In that moment, I told God what I had been struggling to admit for months...I had written it, and yeah, I'd said it. But in that moment...for the first time I meant it with all of me.

On the drive back Sunday afternoon to Knoxville, I was attempting to process what God was showing me. Can I tell you how blind-sided I was? For months I have pondered, sought out, and talked about living my life in a context outside of the United States, in a way that would bring glory to God, going to His people so that they may know Him like I do. I think in a way I took God's revelation of missions work and made it my own. I know I need His discernment in this. But what blind-sided me and really caused me to really be distracted was this thought..."I want you working with the homeless in Nashville through the ministries at CrossPoint." This is what is rocking me right now...it's pretty all-consuming and I just am back on my knees praying for Him to have His way. If this is His directive, I have to be obedient...I want Him to have His way. I'm not sure where this is leading, but I ask that you pray for me as I'm thrown off by this in a way I wasn't prepared for. May I have all knowledge and discernment to follow in whatever God's will is for me in the mission field.

Thankfulness-Day 16

2010-11-16T06:10:00.000-05:00

Friday-I'm thankful for doctors today. I got my lab results back and was rejoicing in that at current I do not have to have surgery. My gallbladder is good and actually I have a benign cyst on my kidneys. I go for a follow-up in two weeks to see what the next step is-whether medication or just time. It's given me such a peace during this time that whatever God was trying to do was His will...I think He really showed me that I can't just "suck things up" and deal with them on my own. We all need to ask for help...even us tough strong independent women whose dad raised them on John Wayne movies.

Saturday-I'm thankful for my sister. She and I spent a large amount of time together on Saturday in Nashville. God's given me such a great sister whom I can laugh my head off with over the silliest things.

Sunday-I'm thankful for my brothers and sisters in Christ, no matter where they are or who they are. I was so fortunate to worship with the faith family in Nashville on Sunday morning at CrossPoint Community Church. I believe God has His hand on them and especially their pastoral staff. I finally got to meet Morgan and I loved that. No words I put to this will explain how awesome it was to be, to see, and to feel the Holy Spirit in that place with them. I am so very grateful for their hospitality and loving embrace. May we all follow their lead.

Monday-I'm thankful for a friend of mine. She's been impactful and an encouragement in my life in so many ways. Many times we dwell on the negative...the one instance where something was said that we took the wrong way...the time when the flesh rose up in us got hurt. I'm so very thankful for this woman of God in my life who has been such a force of awe and wonder. I marvel at how God's using her in so many lives. I ask that you pray for her as well...that she'd see that right now.

Thankfulness-Day 11

2010-11-11T10:00:00.000-05:00

Tuesday-I am thankful for my small group. I prayed for each of them even before I knew who they'd be. God sent the exact right people to form a group that love on one another, support one another, and help one another grow in His grace and wisdom.

Wednesday-A sense of humor is something to always be thankful for, regardless of who it is in. I saw that in two very different forms on Wednesday. My two year old nephew would say something, followed by laughter from my sister and myself, and then he'd add with comedic timing..."I'm funny" with a sly smile thrown in. The other was seeing my Singles Ministry pastor at Sevier Heights playing the song below during prayer meeting (that is mainly senior adults) and rapping along to parts. The look on their faces was priceless to me as his message was lost on some of them.

Thursday-I'm thankful for all the veterans today, especially since it's Veteran's Day. My dad is former Marine Corps, my papaw is former Air Force. Several of my uncles are retired from Army and Air Force. A couple of my cousins have served, as well as several of the students I work with are active Reserves right now. Friends and an ex-boyfriend are spread throughout the armed forces...and I'm incredibly thankful for their dedication and devotion to their country each day. It's humbling and moving. We shouldn't wait for a national holiday to let them know how appreciative we are for all they've done and are continuing to do.

Approval Addiction

2010-11-08T21:23:00.001-05:00

I am more often than I'd like to admit the hardest on myself...not because I set some unreasonably high standard for myself, but because I often feel like I have let others down. I feel as though their expectations of me are incredibly high and I have utterly dropped the many balls that they've thrown while I'm on the unicycle. It's not fair to others just as much as it's not fair to myself. I've come to realize what that's called (thanks in large part to Crosspoint TV's pastor, Pete Wilson's sermon). It's approval addiction...more importantly though it's idolatry and it's sin. I'm putting more thought and worry into what others may or may not be thinking of me than I do of how my actions, speech, and thoughts are or are not bringing glory to God.

A huge realization hit me this afternoon while I was listening to Pete's sermon again. Then the questions started pouring in my brain. I was sincerely worried that I might fall off the elliptical I was on when God's word hit me (Thanks Pete for that one). I thought I'd share a little of that now...
What would it look like if I stopped caring how others perceived me? Better yet, what would it look like if I stopped striving to meet the approval of everyone else and instead devoted my thoughts, my actions, my mind, and my heart to pursuing after God in everything?

Romans 5:8 explicitly tells me that in my filth, in my sin, in the ugliest possible state I could ever be in to God, He loved me. Not only that but He loved me in that state so much that He couldn't bear to see me continue on it that way. So He made a way, through His Son, for me to be in loving fellowship with Him. Not just once-which is way more than I ever could deserve...but always. You get that? ALWAYS

Now if the Holy God of the universe can love me, accept me, want me so much at my worst, why would I ever seek anything else? Which is the exact question that I ruminated on through the last mile in my training...and throughout this evening it's been weighing me. Going back over Romans 5:8 again and again, I see my grossness contrasted with God's righteousness. I see Him pouring out Himself in me so that I may be molded into His image...and with Him. Why would I strive for the approval of someone else over Him? I firmly believe God wanted me to see that today...and trust in Him that I can lay down this addiction without fear, without questioning, and without picking it back up. I must humble myself before Him in this knowing He's the only One whom I seek to please.

Thankfulness-Day 8

2010-11-08T08:37:00.000-05:00

Sunday-Each and every day I am thankful for the church I am a part of. (Notice I didn't say attend there...we're commanded be a part of the church, not attend it, or check it off our "to-do" list for the week...that's another post in the works) Yesterday though, I was so filled with thankfulness for how God is working in our church. From open prayer time each morning, to Bible Fellowship teachers who challenge and drive you to learn more about who God is and where His will is leading each of us, to the worship minister who feels the Holy Spirit move through so many people (and himself) in such a powerful way, to the pastors...who are so filled with God's will not only for their own lives, but for the life of the church that they are willing to say the hard things...the things no one likes to hear...in order to bring us to Him, in order to show us our desperate need for brokenness and humility before God and before one another.

Today-I'm thankful for parents who love me. My parents do, alot. Many people don't know that kind of love ever, and especially from their parents. I am so incredibly blessed to have two loving parents who go out of their way to love me, just the way I am.

Thankfulness-Day 6

2010-11-06T07:21:00.000-04:00

Well, after a nasty gallbladder attack late Wednesday evening and a trip to the doctor on Thursday followed by a comatose day on the couch, I'm back upright! Now I've got some catching up to do...

Thursday-I am extremely thankful for medicine and sweet nurses who hear how sick you are on the phone and work you in to see the doctor, who has a full schedule that day.

Friday-I'm thankful for my students and supervisor who were constantly checking on me and praying for me. I am so very lucky to work somewhere that isn't just a job, but a life it seems. Coupled with this, I'm thankful my students make me laugh the way they do. I wouldn't have expected to be dying laughing at the end of a twelve hour work day, nor would I have expected to be sliding across a gym floor in my sock feet, but I was...and I owe that to the awesome students I work with each and every day.

Saturday-Rest. Often times we take it for granted or cast it to the side. However, it's something I am thankful for this morning, and many other days as well. I slept last night. Like really slept for the first time in weeks, without any medicine inducing it. And it was honest to goodness, rest. I woke up earlier than planned, but I was rested. Thankful that God saw that I needed some shut down time.

Thankfulness-Day 3

2010-11-03T08:38:00.000-04:00

I'm thankful for God's Word. How it is still alive and breathing life into me today...and every day that I am in it. I'm thankful I have the opportunity to read His Word without persecution, without having to hide it, and I relish that. Do you?

Thirty Days of Thankfulness

2010-11-02T07:32:00.000-04:00

I wanted to do something different for the next thirty days on my blog, and as you'll see, I'm already a day behind. I'm going to blog for the month of November on what I'm thankful for daily.

Yesterday, I was thankful I still had a job at the end of the day. I'm thankful God saw fit for me to continue doing His work at my job and in the lives of those I work alongside and the students I work with daily.

Today, I'm thankful for His chastening and discipline. It may be hard to go through and painful to the flesh, but it's needed to refine me and mold me into His image.

What are YOU thankful for?

More Like Falling in Love

2010-10-28T21:48:00.000-04:00

Have you been in love before? Do you know and recognize that feeling you have when you are so consumed with the thought of that person you can't stand it? You anticipate the next time you can see them? Talk to them? Hear from them? Your mind is so engulfed with being in their presence and what they are up to that you really don't see things around you outside of their world.

I'm there...with God. Except it's more intense than I've ever felt towards another human being. I will honestly say it's all-consuming. Amazing. Peaceful. Overwhelming. Intense. Burning. Forceful. Awesome. Breathtaking. And so much more than words can not do justice. It came on slowly...it was a filling (to steal an illustration from my pastor, Dustin George) like you do when you fill up your gas tank. The Holy Spirit just came on strong and then...burped the tank. It almost knocked me over and then I got a little goofy on His love.

It shouldn't be surprising that He would be all-consuming...but it is. He's promised to love us unconditionally, yet we I question that...His very word, I question. Over the course of my quiet times in Acts, I've been seeing how He poured out His love and His mission on the disciples, and then how they turned and poured it out on others. They encouraged one another, and then lifted up the new believers who were daily being added to their numbers. That same love is poured out on me...to turn and pour out on others. Do I do that? Am I loving others as Christ loves me? I haven't been, I will say that. After much prayer asking God to change my perspective, He has...I'm viewing things through God's lens, not my own. And I love it. I'm bouncy about it. I see things much differently, and it makes me happy. I am not boasting about myself, but about my God. He's done this, because believe me, this is nothing I could ever achieve.

The thing I'm finding most amazing in all of this, which really it all is praiseworthy and amazing, is that His Word is jumping off the page at me. I cannot get enough of it during my quiet time and I anticipate getting back into it. He's revived me in Him...which just astounds me. I'm seeing His Word with His eyes and the world He created with His heart. I am in love with God and all that He is.

I Will Give Before I Take

2010-10-17T06:21:00.000-04:00

That line was part of our world changers decree this summer in Mexico...(funny story of how one of the girls on our team got it backwards, poor Gracie). I think as Christians that's something we all take pride in, that we give to others before we take. Or at least I hope we do.

For a couple of months the Singles ministry has been putting together a service day project...as mentioned in a previous post I was not really happy about the participation numbers from everyone. To be honest, I was downright angry. As usual, God got ahold of me on that one...but it took until after we were done serving at Water Angels Ministries that it happened. He also laid into me in regards to my addiction for others' approval...as I worried all week and all morning about the other work-sites...whether everyone was enjoying the work and things were going smoothly. He tapped me hard on the heart and just asked, "If they are serving to bring Me glory, why are you worrying about anything else?" That's when I saw God using the Restore Project to change me on mindsets I didn't think I could change...and truly I couldn't, He had to do it.

I worked with the majority of the 20's class while at Water Angels, and had a blast getting to know them and a couple of ladies from the 30's class (I think). It was great getting to serve another ministry in Knoxville, while kids were being ministered to upstairs by two other faith families from Knoxville. How awesome is that? I love that picture, of Christians coming together to serve God and bring Jesus' name to a community...regardless of denomination. It was just awesome! We even had a little fun upon discovering quite a few pants donations from what seemed to be one man. I overheard a guy who had come to help ask the homeless woman who comes on Saturdays to help out if he could get information about coming back to serve...he has also brought his son with him to serve, which is truly amazing. Sharing in serving as a family...

I also got to talk with Robert, who had been helped by Water Angels some months ago and now gives back by giving his testimony and helping when he can now. He's opened his home to other homeless so they can get back on their feet again...even working with the State to get one man his license and medication straightened out since the man has constant seizures. I was blown away by what he said to me, because it's been on my heart for a while now and exactly what I read from David Platt in the small group study we're doing...."God's blessed me so I need to be out here helping others receive His blessings."

I stopped by the Moreland Heights site to see how things were going in the afternoon, and just had to smile...There were people digging with their bare hands in dirt to get weeds out, plants flowers and help beautify an elementary school for the staff and students. They were doing it with smiles on their faces and God in their hearts. It was great to see that in action. They were working with several volunteers from the school to spruce up the surrounding parts...I thought that was great. The weather couldn't have been more amazing for this project either! I'm so thankful that I am a part of a ministry that gets outside the walls of the church, that isn't afraid to step out and be the light to the world, regardless of where that is exactly, and that gets us uncomfortable so that God's glory can be seen.

I ask you to pray that what we started on Saturday wouldn't end when we finished...that it would continue in the hearts of those we ministered to, and also in our own hearts. That we wouldn't be the same...that we couldn't...and that God would give us that passion to not settle for one Saturday of serving, but a lifetime of it...

The Act of Discouragement

2010-10-12T22:22:00.001-04:00

I go back and forth on posting this entry...I've written and rewritten it several times, often leaving it in the "saved to edit" folder for another day. However, today I was slammed with so much discouragement and got incredibly deflated. Maybe it's just my turn in that area, I'm not sure.

No one ever likes to admit they enjoy being encouraged...lifted up...It's just not something we do. I love doing for others and helping out and serving. I get joy out of giving to others because God has blessed me with so much, why shouldn't I be using that to bless others' lives? More than anything, I've had such a pull to serve underprivileged, homeless, those whom the world seems to have forgotten.

I helped organize a service day for the entire singles ministry at my church. I prayed over this so much and felt God's Hand was all over it...and today I got the final registration sheets for the three ministries we'd be helping out on Saturday. A dumptruck full of discouragement and frustration, with a heaping on of anger filled me...Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for those who signed up to help, but we fell short on one commitment for volunteers and canceled another because no one was willing to step out of their comfort zone. I sit here and pray for God to take that sinfulness away, because it's not anything I did but I get hurt for those we serve. For the lives He works in...and how He uses us to bless others, while also blessing us in those moments. I firmly acknowledge my heart is all in where service is concerned...but going through David Platt's book church-wide right now just pushed me further into praying that God would work some huge miracles in lives so that they would get outside the walls to minister to others. I guess I got my hopes up and put my faith in others, when God is trying to show me something so completely different in this. I pray I see what He's showing me with this project, because right now it's discouragement and lack of respect for others who aren't willing to walk the talk.
I feel incredibly confirmed in what God is commanding from me in the next step of my life...and the individuals that I have had the privilege to really be open about this with over the last few weeks have been so encouraging and uplifting. I am smiling and crying at the thought of their words even now. Yet, there's been one person who really didn't have much to say to me upon me telling them about God's confirmation in this...and that's the one that hurts. I've looked to this person in alot of ways over the last year and know God has used them in my life to grow me, to challenge me, to sharpen me. I didn't want to be dramatic about telling them, but I knew they needed to know...and I worried over how to tell them for weeks. I finally just couldn't sit on the news any more, so it came out in an email. Not my ideal situation but I had put it off long enough....(did I mention I somewhat fear this person too? It's a respectful fear because of how theologically intelligent they are, and how utterly stupid I feel around them.)

I think in this situation, God's shown me that I rely upon others' support and encouragement too much at times...I look to their approval and not to His. He's pouring so much in to me and here I am caught up on the fact that this person seems bothered by any interaction I have with them now. Maybe I'm just being overly analytical and paranoid...but I just feel that in their response, they were discouraging me in moving forward with this call from God...so much so that when I pushed further for more information I got no reply....and I realize this person is incredibly busy, but it came across as a slap in the face. I need to pray through this hurt and focus on what God's showing me in this instance....He's the One that brought it about to begin with. I need to accept that I've allowed things to step in front of (or I've pushed them in between) God and myself.

If He is to do a good work in me, so that He can work through me, I have to focus on Him....and how He'll accomplish that. For too long I've allowed distractions, or placed them there myself, to move my focus, my time, and my energy off of God. For Him to do His work in me, I've got to meet Him on this...and truly let go of everything else.

"God Prefers a Slow-Cooker to a Microwave."

2010-10-06T21:29:00.000-04:00

What does waiting produce in me when God makes me wait?

Recently I've been waiting...it seems at every turn I'm being asked to wait. In almost every area of my life I've gotten this: "Do you mind waiting? He'll be with you soon." Much like you hear at a doctor's office. For three-fourths of the time, my response is "Not in the least...tell Him to take His time." That other time is me stomping my feet, screaming, "NO! I want to see Him NOW!!!" Granted, that's now how I should respond to God....but even more convicting is in the times I do say "Sure, I'll wait" and then go about attempting to stitch myself up in the waiting room....or wait, wait, wait, and wait, only to leave the room because I've lost all hope I'll be seeing Him.

I was reminded, much like a swift thick branch to the face tonight, that waiting is of God. He commands us to wait...There are 400 years separating the end of Malachi from the beginning of the New Testament....Abraham waited 25 years on the promise of a son...Paul waited on his thorn to be removed....the disciples waited for Christ's return...Looking at each of those examples I have to trust God's working things out in His timing. I know this, I believe it. But I constantly want to get my hands in there and help Him along. I'm pretty sure God's looking over at me with loving Fatherly concern saying "You know, if you'd just take your hands off things would go smoother." Granted, in those moments, I may not feel like they are smooth...and believe me, they most definitely haven't been...but He's the Sovereign God of the universe, who am I to meddle in His business?

So many times I want to put God on my schedule in what I want....while He's not bound by time, especially my time. I think alot of the time we want to apply the "Creation Rule" to what we are waiting for from God. The Creation Rule is the assumption that God made everything in seven days therefore He's got seven days to handle my prayer/complaint/issue. Anything beyond that, He's told us it's ours to handle...not so, at all.

The hit to the face tonight really opened my eyes to the fact that I cannot put God on my time table. He's working things out for His glory all across the nations and in ways I don't see. I have to glory in the expectancy while I wait...I have to trust Him while I wait...and I must seek the revelations of His wisdom while I wait.

I Refuse...

2010-10-02T22:51:00.002-04:00

For weeks that's been my statement that I've carried around like Linus has his blanket. It's been a statement I've harnessed in so many ways, but mostly to hurt. I refuse to apologize...I refuse to excuse...I refuse to take responsibility....I refuse to pray....I refuse to give God the glory in my hurt. If you've glanced at my posts over the last two months you'd see I've been refusing alot....but it's all been pointed in one direction, at God. He tried some very easily navigatable ways to show me what I knew He would. He opened doors and even windows to give me escape from the sinfulness I'd invited within. He even went so far as to send me thousands of miles away to experience His glory in such a provoking way...and yet I still refused Him.

That stopped last week. I searched inwardly, and said ENOUGH. I claimed the Holy Spirit within and kicked the devil out. He had no place in me, not now, not ever. I accepted the fact that I cannot please everyone, so I started only pleasing my God. I accepted that some friendships aren't meant to move forward, and started forging new friendships based on God's provision. I accepted that God could use me in ways I could not grasp, and began to fervently pray for what that looks like...and where that is.

Yes, I finally stopped grasping, grappling, and wrestling with God on my shortcomings when it comes to being a missionary. I finally let go...cause He's God. I feel confirmed that God is the One whose running the show within me...He's moved in such a way that I have to stop doubting myself...because not one lick of this is about me. It's all about Him. That's the way it should be.

So I ask that you pray for me as I pray and seek what my next step in this is...what God would have me do exactly and be right in His will....the safest place any of us could ever be. (Something a sister in Christ said to me tonight in the middle of a great conversation....and it really resounded within)

"I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself."-Josh Wilson

Excuses don't wash away the dark stains on your heart.

2010-09-24T21:40:00.000-04:00

My heart is so full....there's so much to say. As I sit here though, words escape me, as they have for the last few weeks. However, this time is completely different. I know the words will come...flowing out like a fountain. For now all I can say is....

YES, LORD.

In the Prison Walls.

2010-09-21T21:33:00.000-04:00

I want to be angry. I want to fully wallow in self-pity and ignorance. I wish, at times like these, that I didn't know better. It'd be alot easier in that regard. But in the larger picture that is eternity and my love for God, I am thankful I have gone through what I have over the last eight weeks, even if that means my own self has to be put aside for God's glory.

It's hard, the Christian walk...[Walk? Most of the time it seems like I'm running a marathon with asthma and cataracts, or doing some sort of uphill hike in the mud on a foggy morning] It's hard not to stay angry, to not forgive, to not love another one of God's people. It's hard to not envy what someone else has, even when it's a spiritual gift God has given them. It's so difficult to not be jealous of a friendship you want so deeply with another person and you see others have it with them.

But the moment these sinful thoughts pop up, I must forego all else and cling to my Savior, lean upon the Holy Spirit within me for strength, and ask God to see me through, while thanking Him for revealing it to me in my own life. Each and every time this happens I nail my sin to the Cross. I put one more mark on my Savior's body, telling Him that my pettiness means more than Him to me. How can I do that? How can I put all of this junk of my life on the back of my loving Lord and be okay with that?

I'm not. I'm not okay in the least with where I've allowed my sin to take me-which has been away from God. I'm not okay with the mere thought of my selfish acts putting my Savior on the Cross. I know that I must go before my God to ask for forgiveness-to confess that I knowingly, and disobediently, chose that over Him, and I must humbly repent from it. I cannot sit in my sin, indulging in it, feeding it, in the hopes it'll become dissatisfied with the comfort I've given it. No, like an indulged child, it will grow more demanding and insistent upon my time...my devotion....and my attention. It will bring me to a point where I give it it's every whim that even my own attempts at disciplining it could not bring it to submission. (And it never can...I can never handle my sin...Christ did that on the Cross)

God has freed me from sin, and the bonds it so tightly binds around me. Why do I choose knowingly to go back to that life? The prison documentaries that I watch with so much joy say that the vast majority of inmates who are released will return to prison not long afterward. We sit outside the walls wondering why that is. Why they would blatantly act in such a way to go back to a life in captivity essentially. Yet, as Christians we do the exact same thing...I do that exact thing. I see the sin, I recognize that once I step into it, I am acknowledging that I am attaching it to my life in a way that puts walls around my relationship with God and pulls me from Him. It locks me up alone to contemplate the many excuses as to why I "fell into" it. The hole that I dig myself to fall into takes time...it takes effort...it takes a conscious decision of picking up that shovel. It takes an act on my part to disobey God. Sin never catches us by surprise.

James 4:7-Therefore, submit to God. But resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
James 1:20-for man's anger does not accomplish God's righteousness.

The Question

2010-09-14T22:18:00.000-04:00

I was having a facebook chat with one of my good friends from college the other night. We were shooting the breeze and commenting on how excited we were to see one another in November (she lives in Nashville). We got into a very brief discussion about the monotony of "life" and how we're just over it right now. Now while my work life can never be characterized as monotonous or dull, some other things in my life have become that way.

Out of nowhere in this conversation, I dropped a bombshell revelation. I said, "You know I wouldn't mind just selling everything I got and heading down to Mexico full time." I hadn't wrapped my mind around that statement and planned it out. I seriously have no idea where it came from, but man oh man, have I been thinking about it. Funny thing is, earlier in the day I was having a phone conversation with my momma and was sort of phasing in and out of the conversation (sorry Mom, I do it to everyone). This question came into my mind clear as day...."What would it look like?" I didn't know what I was thinking on exactly but then my mom, out of nowhere, was telling me this guy was winning a vacation to Mexico on the television.

You might point out I'm somewhat crazy in thinking this is all related or that I'm reading way too much into this....but my prayer for a very long time is that God would reveal to me where He's leading me on this call to missions work. That I wouldn't take it lightly and He'd be preparing me. I firmly believe the struggles I've had and the issues of failure and expectation I've wrestled with lately are stemming from His preparation in me.

Today I was at the gym working out and looked up at the television to see "Quake hits Baja California, Mexico" scroll across the newsline. I prayed while I was on the elliptical machine for Baja...that's where I was at not two months ago. No serious injuries or damages have been reported yet, but I'm still praying. The thought came back in that moment..."What would it look like....for you to be there?"

Definition

2010-09-13T21:56:00.000-04:00

So I've been thinking about this for oh...twenty seconds. Sometimes, God just puts something on you and you gotta run with it....so here we go.

How do you define yourself? What are the top five things you'd point to that define who you are? I was doing something utterly mindless when this popped in my head. I looked at something and thought "I don't want that to be a definition of who I am." Whoa...where'd that come from?

God's little nudge of well, what do you want to be defining you? So that's what I'm pondering now. As I sit here, having stepped away from two things that I thought I was enjoying, only to see causing my relationship with God to be troubled. I look at the friendships that so tightly defined who I was in a larger context for the last year and realize that's not what I want to be defined by. I am examining each thing in my life wondering, is this what I want to be defined by? Is this how I want to be introduced in a group?

Why are you striving these days?

2010-09-12T06:42:00.000-04:00

Something, in the midst of all the things going on, has shifted in my head. I've had this on my mind since Wednesday, and last night it laid itself out fully before me. This statement is what caught me by the jaw and really rung my bell: "Compare the amount of time you worry about what others think and your attempts to please them to your level of concern for what God thinks and honoring Him."
Much of what I have been doing is an attempt to please others and really strive to meet their standard. My focus has been on them, and most definitely not on God, nor on pleasing Him. What I've been pushing myself on, and beating myself up over, is the approval of everyone else. I've placed these expectations in God's arena, fully expecting them to be okay with Him. I've given them free-reign in my life, and they have wreaked havoc over and over again.

I've listened to others, before God. I've let their words matter more than His. I've gotten my intentions out of whack, and forgotten God's call for my life. I've consistently beaten myself up over how I can please ________. In all of this, I've thought God was the one I was pleasing. But He's not been pleased with me on this. I had blinded myself to what I was actually doing, because it was me doing, not God. The work that God was doing in me got tainted by all of this. I cannot continue to do this, knowing now that it's not God I'm working for in this. My priority has to be on Him, and what He commands of me, on His work and where that leads me. I have to stop leading myself, and allowing others to affect that path.

I must "fall in love with the work God's called me to, not the results" in order to be pleasing Him, rather than myself or others.

A Tough Question

2010-09-10T09:22:00.000-04:00

Being between self and Spirit is difficult. To be brutally honest, it's feeling like you're continuously being slammed against rocks or pushed through a meat grinder. You face these new questions that cause the self to flinch, rise up, and start fighting against. Most people call it a tension. It's more than that for me. (I cannot speak for anyone else on this)

As of late, it's been like I've been on the receiving end of three UFC championship bouts...the losing end. The more I think about things and the more I pray on them, I'm seeing two very distinct revelations come from it all. Last night I was finishing up some reading of a book that has honestly been a real help and sent from God in the midst of what's going on with me. As I was speedily reading the final chapter (I was tired and wanted to fly through the last chapter), God caught me on a question. No long blog post today, I'm just leaving you with the question that's been on my mind since I read it....

Do you think you can sacrifice who you are today for who you could become?

The Desire to Lash Out

2010-09-08T21:49:00.000-04:00

I have a very ingrained response mechanism. It's something that has, on too many occasions to list, gotten me into trouble. It's the lash out response. It's the "You've hurt me, so guess what, I'm going to hurt you back, and harder." As much as I joke about wanting those non-realistic whips like in Iron Man 2, I think deep-down I have those already. The ability to cut someone in two and do some unfathomable damage to a person.

And that's exactly what I've been fighting for ten days. I've wanted to unleash some rather biting whips onto a couple of individuals for reasons...some justified, others extremely petty. I've bit back words more than I'd like to admit, even to God. I've had thoughts and planned out full monologues with these individuals in my head. I've had such a push to "give them a piece of my mind" so I'd feel better about the hurt I experienced. So I'd get a little revenge on their life and their superiority.

I saw myself doing it again in the pastor's office this afternoon. We were discussing one of the situations because he'd heard murmurs or whispers...ie, someone went and told him. (I've learned pastor code in the small amount of time I've been interacting with him.) He wanted to talk about it...I didn't. He told me what I should do...and I got angry. I have untold respect for this pastor, he's been a great leader and mentor to me the last year and a half. We've had our moments of butting heads and personality clashes, but at the end of the day, I respect him and what he has to say. I wanted to tell him to butt out and mind his own business. I wanted to spill exactly what had occurred with this individual and scream "I TRIED!" Instead I got emotional (shocking as I do this alot lately), and said I had attempted reconciliation and got what I felt like was a proverbial slap in the face and told "Get over yourself." He pointed out that this person may be going through some things too and lashed out...I wish I could say I was gracious in that moment and saw myself reflected as a stubborn child who needs to go back to the friend and say "sorry" again...but I didn't. I didn't see the triviality of it in that moment. I saw my hurt. I saw the trust I had in that person gone. I saw the pain of that conversation. I saw the continual teeth-grinding frustration.

Here's where I sit...I am firmly camped out in the thought that I don't want to be the person to say I'm sorry again, to ask for forgiveness again, to humble myself and put myself out there again. I don't. My self keeps rewinding back to that conversation and the words that were said. It keeps pausing and replaying exactly how that person treated me over the weeks. I hear in my head all these things...and acknowledge that I love this person as a fellow Christian. However, right now, I don't like this person. I don't, in all honesty and truth. But I know that as a Christian, I am called to love each person. I'm called to unite with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and love them as I love Jesus. I feel this inward tension-this battle between self and Spirit. Head knowledge and heart knowledge are two very different things....look at Jonah's story.

And right now, at this very moment, I want to run to this person and say how sorry I am, that I've been mad about what was said and I need to seek forgiveness for that anger...

Leading...even when you don't feel like it.

2010-09-05T16:32:00.000-04:00

Pastor Hollie preached a couple of weeks ago on a call from God, "Leadership." It was meant as encouragement for all Bible fellowship and small group leaders (that'd be me). It was honestly quite convicting for me to hear (thanks God). As of late, I have been lax in my leadership. I have let things slide and really not cared much about contacting people. In all honesty, it stemmed from the fact I feel like an utter failure. I look at other leaders who are forging new leaders under them and who are always so strong. I'm not. That's not me, or at least that's what the devil's been telling me. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I struggle, and I feel like I'm not a leader.

I keep fighting this battle. Brother Hollie pointed out that both Isaiah and Jeremiah experienced disappointments in their ministry. His focus was on the point that they were obedient to God's call for them, regardless if people heard or received. That point stuck with me. That is exactly where I'm at in my leading. I have to realize the fact that God yearns for my obedience in His will for me. Leading is a part of His will that He prepared me for.When I question my leadership abilities, I am questioning the very truth of God's will for my life.

Pastor Hollie touched on the other big issue I struggle with on leadership. I warn you I'm being very honest and open about what's on my heart right now. Loving others is a commitment of the heart. God has commanded us to love one another. Loving others is more than a feeling or emotion. He pointed out that we should think about the way Jesus was treated, and then ask ourselves if we think He felt like loving people. To love like He did, I must commit to the Holy Spirit and serving people-regardless of who or of circumstance.

"If this is what ministry is like, I want no part of it." I've had that recurring thought alot recently, with all of the struggles and doubts that have come up at me. While talking to a sister in Christ a few weeks ago about this very thing, she pointed out something pretty profound. She said that none of us would choose this for ourselves-these days of dealing with broken people and struggling in our own battles with the devil. The pain, the hurt, the ache within. None of this we gladly check off on a menu and order it up for our lives. That is what makes the difference-under my own human selfish nature, there's no doubt I'd run as fast as I could in the opposite direction from ministry work. But God is greater than my self, and He's stronger than my will, and He plots out my course to walk along in this life with Him.

God has called each of us to ministry work...whether we're on leadership or not. We wouldn't be doing it otherwise. For me, that's intense and I have to realize and accept that is nothing I do in this that makes a bit of difference. What changes everything is my openness to to allow God to use me in each aspect of my life so that I can get a glimpse of His awesomeness and power. Nothing of mine plays a role in it. I am merely a conduit for God to shine through, if I get out of the way and allow Him to do so.

Colossians 3:2: Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.

"This isn't easy...It isn't clear..."

2010-09-02T22:24:00.001-04:00

Rape of 200+ women and boys in Congo
I was appalled when I saw this headline scroll through MSN's homepage a few minutes ago. First it was over the title and subsequent story. However, now I'm more irritated by the fact it was the third one on the loop behind news of Tiger Woods' divorce being final today. Are you kidding me America? I'm becoming more and more upset by the frivolity in which we as Americans conduct ourselves. Maybe this is God's way of showing me where my heart lies....and it's not so much in the American dream anymore.

Yesterday morning during the praise time of our service, I found myself crying uncontrollably during "Oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead." I stood there singing, and alternately sobbing, because inwardly I was having a conversation with God. Or I surrendered to Him in that moment. I told Him that I can't fight this anymore, whatever it is I'm wrestling with I need to let Him have it. I'll be obedient in what He's doing and stop questioning, stop doubting, and let go. I keep grasping, holding on tightly like a stubborn child. And He stands there, not pulling, just waiting for me to fully realize I have to let go...I have to be the one to release and trust.

I wrote the above on August 23. I want to be very open and honest about what I went through over the last week, and truth be told, the last month. My grip on what I was wrestling with God over wouldn't loosen. In fact, I grabbed on with another hand and firmly planted myself in His face. For days I battled Him. Crying my eyes out and telling Him I was through. I was walking out on Him and all He had done for me. If I was going to go through something like this, then what was the point of believing in Him? I looked at the Bible for three straight mornings and said "NO." I wish I were kidding. I wish this was some horrendous nightmare, but it was my life for seven very hard days, and all total I'd been heading in this direction for a month.

You get warned that you'll face spiritual warfare as a Christian. You experience some bouts with friends or family along the way, and maybe even questions in your own mind. I have to be honest and say I have never faced warfare on this level before coming from within. I sat and let the devil whisper in my ear things I knew were lies, and continued to let it happen, over and over again. I bought into every single one of them. He got me alone and closed off, which is what I tend to revert to when I'm struggling. I questioned every ounce of my faith, then turned on God. It wasn't like I'd lost anything or anyone, but I felt as if I'd opened my eyes and seen my life in a complete different light.

This is in fact true, I had seen my life through the eyes of someone without trust and faith in Christ. I'd seen myself as the person I was...a failure. I realize now why I was buying into all of what the devil was saying to me...because it was what I (in my old self habits) wanted to do. I wanted to wallow, have a pity-party, and truly close myself off. It's much easier to shut down and wall up, than it is to be real with people who love and care about you. I'm still trying to see past the junk the devil sold me to what God has faithfully promised me. I wish I could say I'm there....but I'm not quite. I'm still struggling with an issue or two, and the worst part is that one involves someone whom I thought to be one of my closest friends. I think that hurts the most, because in the midst of this, I saw a friendship near it's end.

I'm kind of sitting in this spot now where I'm praying and talking to God...seeking His guidance and help in alot of things. But my heart hurts because it got broken, by myself, which I think is the worst possible heart break to face. I'm thankful for the concerns of the people who love me and prayed for me. I'm thankful for those who actually dared to ask what was wrong, rather than just assume I was mad. That meant more than anything else...because in that moment, when I reached out and asked for help, they were there. I'm reading my Bible and having quiet time with God. I'm dwelling in His word and I see a difference in myself even now, only a few days out of this mess. I pray that I'll eventually move past this and know that I had to face this in order to grow, in order to support, and in order to minister in the lives of others. I pray that God receives the glory of the situation, for He brought me to it, and He most assuredly brought me through it.